Olúwafèyíṣarámi

 She walks on... Trying not to push for the fear that she will distort your natural choices. She claims that there are a lot of things to adjust to. What's more? She smiles with joy and spring in her steps....she thinks to herself  "I'm proud of who you are becoming. If it means you taking me forgranted or even hating me, it's a small price to pay for the goal." So, she walks...briskly, face down....and mask in place...down the corridor of healing. Without much words, right or not...she had thought she'd been vulnerable enough that eveyone would see right through her, but everyone's got  their own struggle. She says, "I understand if you can't see my struggle. I understand that yours is bigger and obstructing your line of sight." So she walks.....not away... Just a little to the side until maybe, perhaps, hopefully things fall into place. 

I have been scared to write because of the jumble of feelings within I have been a mess for months Never daring to raise my head Or sing aloud. A lot of changes, a lot of struggle. Fights, rigorous training and bashing A realignment and a re-definition of relationships And then I found you. The ultimate test of my faith I died and somehow, Woke to the reality of the test. It was a test. And I passed! yay!! Now, you are so stuck with me. Even though we have to fight through the baggage of the past 10 years And beyond. Yet it feels good to know we can have this.... And have this now. And better, have it always.

I lift my eyes and my eyes meet yours Briefly..... very briefly But just enough to catch the wariness within Oh I know you. I know you well enough that you cannot hide. I know that you are not even aware of a lot of things Perhaps until you sit and reflect Still, I understand it is hard to take it all in And make so many changes in such a short time. I look at your smile When you sit alone, I see the contentment that comes from a new awareness The joy of a new beginning The quietness of an inner glow Having a leading, a direction, a light. Something nothing can shake away. For me, that is enough. Just enough for me, irrespective of how things play out. So I guess this is it. There is nothing more to be done. But just leave things to play out..... allow you re-write your story. Even as I watch you do that "i don't care" thing you so often do. But even that will soon grow old. I am just happy you got here and that should be enough. At the blink of...

The weirdest thing got me Just months ago, here I was reeling from all shades of me being revealed. This same me, I stand here Smirking at myself and the wonders around me. Truth be told, I am humbled. And afraid. And a tad ready for anything that comes with it. I look at the dearests to me and I am expecting a lot to change. To you, I have babied you all along and maybe done more than that. But recent events beyond us both forces a change You must grow up I must learn to accept the changes that come with that. And give you the space to morph or change. To me, A lot is on my plate that I never really planned for And I have a lot of catching up to do And a lot of backlogs to fill Before I can even be sure to go on this adventure. A lot of mountains to level as well. That I may emerge a butterfly at the completion of this cycle.

Hibernating for months Just praying and meditating Craving a wholeness that nothing around me can give I awake With sudden news A prickling of my ears And my heart thumps, not in fear or excitement But with the gravity of the words I am hearing. Too much, too soon. But so true. All at once, my life has changed Thrusting me into a new place.... a new phase. A new time.  A new humbling. And now here I am, struggling to embrace the gift of the new. My mind is still aware of the backlogs of the very recent past. My heart immediately steels itself for the journey ahead. The past encroaching into the present.... The fight for the ideal. and the list goes on.

Irrespective of my present pain or  joy, You are true. And although I acknowledge my wants, Although I am helpless to what I feel, I know that there is much more than this with you. If I can give this to you, all of it, I know in you alone is forever certain. I will not gamble today no matter my wins If it cannot translate into that forever.

One day at a time. Breathe, no matter how much it hurts. Be true inside out, no matter who is looking. One day at a time. One step at a time. Each step burns. But heals. Each burn intensifies my love. And gratitude. No words. Just me and all these. Sigh.