Olúwafèyíṣarámi

Months ago I took a stand to move on with my life. I found in u the basis of my loving in the first place. You r all that makes me glow. Your love o Lord keeps me alive...I just realize how I do not see it and often forget to take note. You r all that I need. You r enough for me. I always felt that my moving on would spur him on to do the same. But from his words, I see that he has to make up his own mind. I decided to remove the basis of our 'relationship'. If there is no question of relationship, would things not change? Why does something that seem so simple be so complicated? All we want to try to do is be cordial or at least be friends. For him, he needed to take a journey and I was glad he was going that route. Not for me. For him. For me, I just want to bask in this love divine. And I have been doing just that. The old has gone, the new is here yet grew wings and flew away, gutless. So now, I realize that the major thing is to understand the reasons behind meeti...

Feed on it and swallow hook, line and sinker That u do not miss me. Look around u and then try to lie to yourself Just lie some more. You have my name scribbled all over your walls, My scent, all over your nose, my laughter ringing in ur ears, My kiss, a memory u won't forget so soon... My cooking, my recipes; My sweetness, my uniqueness My taste, exquisite; My creative skills, one in a billion. Look around My darlin, And try lying some more.. U know deep down like I know you, Oh hell, u r going to miss me! I am too awesome to be discarded. You r just too proud to admit it And too damn big headed to bow. But then, maybe its a little more than that. It's a battle of wills.

This world I come from makes things a lot difficult especially where love matters are concerned. I come from a community of people that one of our watchwords is order. We want to do things the way it really should be done; the way the father would have us do it- that it may yield the result he alone had promised. The last time I wrote in this journal, I said a lot about my fight. Yes. And the war has started. and going exactly as it should. Its just in the bid to get me back separated only unto my father. To have a distinct identity of my own and not attached to anyone. Well, this is the plan. This is how it should be. But my internal turmoil remains. Its not that there are no emotions involved. There is one I truly love but if only he could fight with me or for me. If only someone; just one person could see this and do that for me...and if only this person could be u. If only. So even though I pray and hope for a miracle to happen, I have to step off the scene, behind the whole d...

Trying doesn't mean transformation. For the love of the good And the knowledge of the bad. Our minds struggle to be in good books. Weighing consistently that one outweighs the other. Beauty comes from the heart; So does defilement. If He doesn't change the heart, Our change is not whole And our wound unhealed. In time, We either see the pus of self Or the scars of grace.

This world I come from makes things a lot difficult especially where love matters are concerned. I come from a community of people that one of our watchwords is order. We want to do things the way it really should be done; the way the father would have us do it- that it may yield the result he alone had promised. The last time I wrote in this journal, I said a lot about my fight. Yes. And the war has started. and going exactly as it should. Its just in the bid to get me back separated only unto my father. To have a distinct identity of my own and not attached to anyone. Well, this is the plan. This is how it should be. But my internal turmoil remains. Its not that there are no emotions involved. There is one I truly love but if only he could fight with me or for me. If only someone; just one person could see this and do that for me...and if only this person could be u. If only. So even though I pray and hope for a miracle to happen, I have to step off the scene, behind the whole d...

Woke up this Thursday morning, feeling groovy with myself. Wore a sexy little number and did my makeup. Packed up a little bag and headed out. It was supposed to be a solo outing...pulling all the crazy stunts on my own but it ended up being just a tad more than that. Heard there was a trade fair on going on the Island. In order to beat traffic, I headed out early enough and yes, I did beat traffic. The trade fair was quite fun...strolling through the stalls almost getting lost in the crowd...it was fun. I just wish I had a little more money on me. I would have gotten the cute set of knives for my kitchen. As it was, I didn't get it. Went around the whole complex like twice or thrice...can't really tell cos I got lost many times and had to get my bearing again and again. Afterward, I had to visit my ex, who is also still a good friend of mine. Business things. Talked over lunch and the only sensible thing I got from our discussion was the complement he gave me. I remember t...

Don't be fooled by the mask I wear. If only wishes were horses,Lord alone knows how far I would have ridden and definitely not solo. I fly solo only because you don't have the guts to ride with me. Laughing. Or maybe its just me afraid to make a fool of me all over again. Don't be fooled by my nonchallance. I may seem too quick to dismiss things but that's only because its safer to replay and savour it when I'm all alone without your eyes taking it all in. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy being with you and watching your eyes crinkle on the sides when you laugh but its a terrain all to familiar. Too much so that I'm afraid to be the fool. Don't be fooled that I'm a fool. Maybe I am but I'm no one's fool but mine. In spite of my trying not to be a fool, I still may not have been able to contain it enough not to be all over you. Even then, that don't make me your fool, dog. I may love you a little wee too much but I aint gonna breakdown unless...

About time... About time I came to my senses and end this game. Its been years and I've alowed myself to be sucked into this pool of fears. Now, its time to push back. About time. I have watched you become a strong man in my life But then I allowed it I have taken on so much shit just cos of my fears of being alone And it has gone on too long! I have no guilt, no remorse, no grudge...nothing to forgive or feel Just a cold ground of pity and even that is slowly slipping away.. Its me time and no one is going to take that from me. Not even you whom I love so much. About time. To fight alone. Its my fight. And I won't allow u or anyone get sucked in all of this. It may be a mess but its my mess. I'm getting me back from its clutches. To you... Find you reasons that will make you sane. Hold on to all grievances to hate me with. But its not about u. Its irrespective of what you do. Its about me. And about time I had me back!

Here I go again, chasing after the wind. I seem to forget that some things matter and some others just don't. Trying to stay friends with an ex may seem like a very grown up thing to do but its not always like that. I stay up sometimes actuaLly expecting some miracle to happen. Some magic that will make us talk like humans and will make us laugh at our stupidity but all I we do is stay at logger heads. Many people said to give it time but its been almost 2yrs and it seems that what made up split has refused to move from the centre.... They say love does this and does that but truth is, its just what it is. It never puts food on the table nor makes a home. It is just what it is in this realm...a four letter word. A word. Today,a thought formed in my head. I wondered why it was so annoying to watch my ex walk down the road with some girl with starry eyes or laugh at the silly jokes someone makes when all we do is fight. It actually feels like a punch in my gut literally. Now I...

me and my heart again I have never seen myself as good enough I always feel there is something lacking Something yet to be attained A part of me yet to be fixed. In spite of all that I have got I dare to ask for more But it leaves me feeling ungrateful for the plenty I already have am not sure I deserve.. Yet with all of that, it was easy to be pleasant Cos I had lost my hope in many things. I believed in many lies and It was an easier route from getting hurt. Now, I dare to hope Now I dare to want more than I ever thot I could have And now, I dare to be burnt than I ever was before. It has started... I am hurting but at least I feel... I feel love One so much so it's ripping me apart Still, I am assured that This is just the beginning...

I have been mad and angry for a while at almost everything especially you. But I just realised that thr was a time I was accused of being indifferent to issues that should hurt me. Now that's a contrast. Today I realise that there may seem to be many things to be mad about but truth is whatever I may be going thru is not man related. Irrespective of the person, it is all an experience he is taking me thru for my good. Whoever I have hurt or have been used as his learning curve, as long as he is chosen of the lord, it is God working it in him to be better thru me. Whether or not I am thr, he will device a way to make that experience happen. So, Feyi, snap out of it and stop feeling guilty. It is unnecessary. U have been a learning curve just as others r ur learning curve. See who u have become thru that experience and be grateful for it. I am a son with lots of scars to show for it...and I know I will yet bear more...I just pray for the capacity to bear it all. for I know that d d...