Olúwafèyíṣarámi

If this isn't love, then what is? Fifteen years is no joke, the many years we've been friends and then some. I remember that we were introduced by a mutual friend and then we were reading partners and then you became a friend I could rely on to tell me the truth come what may. I remember .... We were dating at the time. We had a meeting where we, along with another "couple" were to decide on the theme for the next meeting. We were  the only two couples in the fellowship at  the time. Somehow, we came up with the theme, reconciliation. This theme led us to do loads of research and even writings. It was a lot of work but we did well. Little did we know that this word we declared would test us.... Everything we supposedly learnt during this time, came back to check if they were mere words or if we truly believed. Fights came up, offenses rared it's head and each of us even had to go back to his/her tent to reset. We split from couples to individuals, we some...

I wake up each day with an awareness of the drama around me. I am not blind to the emotions, neither am I without my own emotions and questions. Some things I know, other things, I am just learning. The things I know, I do because someone taught me. Who I have become, someone had to bear the shame for me; had to shed blood; had to carry a cross, to be misunderstood, hated, lied on and fought off....... just because He saw the One in me. I call him my mentor. But, oh, he is my father. For the One, he will do everything necessary....unless I stopped being a potential son. What is the point of making an exception when it will make no difference? What is the point of loving you, when all you see is pain? What is the sense in taking you by the arm even though you have legs, when all you will see is frustration that is being deliberately inflicted? What then is the point in it all? What is the point when all you see is me deliberately trying to throw you under the bus? How can we be anyth...

She's been asked a lot quite recently why she's gone quiet. Is it for lack of things to say? Or are words not doing justice to convey? Maybe. What are words when they fail to hit their mark? What are fights when iron refuses to sharpen iron? She's learning that nothing is personal. Everything is to make her stronger even in death. And to teach another even in her momentary shame. In time, everything will find it's place. 

This season of sorts. Myriad thoughts race through my mind as I struggle for the right words to convey this feeling inside me. I feel like a mother who just lost a child. I carry the pain of the labour and the loss. The pain is sharp and deep, affecting every organ in my body and leaving me weak. My tears are dry but I moan in weakness and hurt. My child...... I ache from the loss of you. I may not have birthed you physically, but the labour of training, of debugging the system of old interpretations and updating it, is just as vigorous. It definitely took its toll on me. Am I angry? Oh yes. I am angry for not being able to scream at the top of my lungs and tell everyone who does not understand this loss, off. I am angry because of decisions I may have made differently. I am angry because I may have spoon-fed you rather than jump-started you. Besides anger, is a numbness and disinterestedness that is enveloping me. To cook, eat, sleep and the works. The only things that seem cons...

Time.... These few weeks have opened my mind to new realities. Yes, it is easy to say certain things when it is not close to home. But when certain things happen to you, it hit you better. I know it hard to hear stuff like this, and even harder to embrace. How do you tell a mother that her child was never her child? Or that she was just a guardian for the little while he grows up to make his own decisions and step into the realization of what he should be. All she needs to do is birth him physically and guide him. How do you tell a Mary that Jesus was never hers, after carrying the baby in her womb for 9 whole months? How do you console her when the child is taken away when the time is due? Oh I still mourn him..... I still cry at the way things have turned....we all do. I still watched my mum shed tears today and I can't imagine how my uncle and Aunt would feel. But I hold on to one truth ..... I came to this earth to fulfill a purpose. That I am a wife, a mother, etc. is a...

Getting angry really isn't hard. You just look for reasons, reasonable or otherwise to just stay angry.  And the reason for the anger? You hold tight to your chest while your lips stay sealed. You have many things to say, many fingers to point, many judgements to make.....just to keep the doors shut on the most important thing you're guarding. This is a parable. Those who know, know. I speak to you as you've driven me way beyond my limit..... Beyond here, nothing more but death can prove. What we don't want to lose, eventually we will. Our deepest fears will befall us. With our hands we will cause the havoc we always feared just for not embracing truth. Truth will always prevail.

She looks at you with eyes, tired. Everything that once brightened up her eyes at the sight of you has dimmed. The few times she tried, she gave up mid sentence as you had other more important things to deal with. Looking up the list of priorities, she redraws her list. She thinks in her heart, " He knows what he wants and it is not what he himself wants to believe he wants. he wants what he wants, irrespective of  what I say".  So she starts packing up all her bags, from the littlest to the more conspicuous ones; Everything that fits into her bags of emotions, she packed. And with each item, she died inside in realization that this is the end. What is worse? It really does not change a thing, not until you are proven ready to receive. 

In one sentence, my world seemed shattered into pieces. My thoughts went through a lifetime in just a couple of seconds..... My  little cousin is gone....dead ... I was opened up to an entirely new world today. Opened up to different dimensions of pain and insensitivity. I will start with the pain. And I will not start with mine.  The pain of a mother. Ohhhh the pain. I felt it like a deep cut to her soul. Her spirit was shattered by the news of a lost son. Her vision blurred and oh the fire in her veins! A million thoughts per second running through her mind. The blame, the guilt,the what if's, the entire span of time nurturing the child, the silence, the loss, the pain. Who says she didn't run mad? Who said she hears you? Who said she needs to hear your thoughts? Why do you think you need to help her make sense of the situation? Why talk? Have you lost a son before? If not, why not be silent and hold her hand? Why not allow your presence and love do the...

At a round table conference with the bosses. We sit here, determining the business and the reports from the units in the company. Decisions are being done here. Lives are being altered. I sit and observe everyone. We have those who love to be heard and their voices are always on the high pitch., quite above the voices of the rest of the band, if I may just say so. We have those like me, who will rather be at the background, listening to the blend of the band and only speak when the harmony of the band is disrupted. One band, One voice. And there is another group who will rather be done with the meeting. I think I partially belong to this group, especially when we move off focus. These people sit and look on in boredom at the ones who raise their voices. In all, the entire band is bound by one goal. one voice. one business. To provide more value to the organization and to each person on the round table....and by extension, to everyone in the company. The elders in the commu...

Woke up so early. Just couldn't sleep. There are so many thoughts raging through my mind and what's worse, I'm craving garri and groundnut. At 2am. Something must be wrong somewhere because it's so uncharacteristic of me to wake up and eat during the night. So, I decided to use a part of my time for something more meaningful. Something I know how to do best. Scribble. Working in a software company is actually cool. It has opened my mind to a lot of jargon in the I.T World (something I never thought possible considering my lack of interest in I.T because of its dynamic nature which nevernreally reached the schools). Anyways, to cut to the heart of the matter, being in a team where you are the only female could be quite frustrating. Especially with a team of three. One seems to think you have no right to be his boss or question his work simply because we got admission into the company at the same time and maybe a little because, he is married with kids (to an Afric...

Quite recently, I've been hearing a lot of people say that the God that stands by and watch people die is not the God they signed up for. Now, that leaves me really puzzled. "So what God did you sign up for? " I ask. And here comes the amazing reply I always get each time...." The  God who wants me to be happy and successful and have a painless life since Jesus had done all the sufferings in our stead ". Truth be told, I quite understand that logic. I think I must have shared the same thoughts most of my life. So, in a way, I get the thought. I once read a book about a man who shared the same thoughts. This man had even gone far in theology and was well known. He got to a breaking point where nothing made sense and he became an atheist altogether. I guess my real question....or the question that turned me around was this....where did I get that picture (the ideas stuck in my head) of God from? Was it really from the scriptures? Or from my ideas of what a...

We have fallen into camps, with very dissimilar smells....no camp like the other. Yet we claim to be of the same stock. How did we get here?  How did we get here? How did we get to tolerate a different smell? How did we allow a different stock into our midst? How did we get a mixture from within?

It's amazing how we do one thing and to take attention of us....or maybe just in the bid to feel less guilty, we point to silly things in another person. In my head, I hear the loud voice of the pastor through the loudspeakers, " Brother, remove the log in your eyes before removing the speck in someone else's ".  And I smile. I have seen him do this before. Somewhere in my heart, I am almost sure he is guilty of something.  Hmmmm........ I wonder ... I wake up and suddenly, every word has some hole to prod and pick on. With raised brows, I listen to the words you refuse to say to my face. I try to imagine the expression behind the text messages. And again, I am all too sure that this cannot be the case. What eats you lie deep within the skin. Perhps, a guilt you carry and refuse to divulge? These eyes see......I see you. ... A little boy in a grown man's body. A little boy crying to be heard and to belong somewhere. A boy misunderstood and cra...