Olúwafèyíṣarámi

Winter, my season of smiles Or is it Harmattan, the cold but dry weather. Either one, I love November/January season. It brings so much smiles to my heart. My lips may chap, my skin may scale but, It is a season when my page flips unto a new one. Resolution, they call it. I call it re-evaluation and reconciling the books. No other season slaps so much sense into me Like the freezing weather. Its so cold my cheeks tingle, nose run and eyes water. It is one where I don't care much for what I wear but I never get it wrong; It is one where I get to spread my clothes and I'm certain they will be crisp dry in a matter of minutes; It is a season when I have to wear my shoes all the time or high flip-flops just to prevent my feet from the dust It is so much entangled into one wonderful ball. I feel wonder, beauty, compassion, confidence, strength, romance, love, joy, hope; I feel adventurous, grounded, free, lightweight....a season when I dare to fly and then I soar....

I have heard many excuses Reasons why he hasn't come forward.... He is shy He is afraid He is burnt He is hurt He is ashamed.... Blablabla But he has had many chances And does what he usually does. Nothing has changed No matter how I want to believe different. The echoes of the past ring loud still. Loud enough to be a problem... Truth is that he won't. He can't. If he considered it, the signs will be there. He might never say it But I know He isn't that into you. If he wants something He does know how to get it If you are a part of his big plan, You will see yourself in it. Don't hope Just accept it. He is not that into you.

Everybody seems to be getting along fine Perhaps, its just the season Or maybe there's a common interest that I don't know about Like fish out of water, I just don't get how to breathe. What is wrong with me? No mata what I do, It never works Rather, the despise grows. I have heard many excuses and I've believed every one of them I have related with you based on this and yet I'm stung I'm confused. Really confused. Is it me? What is wrong with me? I call u brother. I call u friend. Yet is it too much to ask that you care for me? Is it too much that you act your words? I hear the words, I see no action. What do I believe when my expectations r continually dashed by you? Maybe its you. Perhaps you can't help it. Maybe its me continually putting myself in harm's way. But I'm tired of it all. And I'm calling it quits. To brotherhood. To friendship. Till you choose to resurrect. Adeiu.

We will all be what it is we want to be We will all work the path we want to tread We will do what it is we want to do Irrespective of how much we shout Or how much truth is laid before us... We will only see as much as the picture in our heads will allow. We are only limited by what we see.

I have been depressed I have been lonely Trying to reach out but quite not doing it right; Thrashing around and throwing tantrums At everything I could find. I have cried my eyes swollen And have walked aimlessly just finding some relief. I have tried to read. Just anything to channel my energy from this nagging feeling within. I have tried to find the answer in reading the scriptures That perhaps, I might find a word for me. And today, I wake up still lonely, And wondered who exactly I was blaming for this I questioned the direction of my anger And I wondered if I really could express what the problem is after all this time. I gathered up all my complaints in a bucket And examined them one at a time. I looked them up to join up all the dots And draw a line on the graph... And there it was...as clear as the dawn. This was the issue: there is something I want with all my heart and here I am reaching for it. I was reaching, straining and couldn't reach it. ...

I sit to brood This time, my focus shifts to attraction and its different elements. I wonder why no one volunteers to take a walk with me anymore I wonder why my words are now so easily ignored I wonder when I became invisible I wonder when I stopped getting all the attention. I wonder at so many things. I ask so many questions. I compare my before and my now in that respect. And my heart readily wishes for the time past. How I wish I was the apple of these eyes once again. How I wish I held much importance that I can’t but be looked for. And then, comes the voice. It speaks loud and clear And again, I laugh at my folly. Yes, I had this. I had all the attention and care and pampering. Oh yes I did. But what changed? Yes. I guess that’s the big question. Isn’t it? The only thing that changed in me is that I grew. Yes. I grew. As bees are naturally attracted to nectar And flies naturally are attracted to sores, So humans are to the new and the shiny. Take gold. ...

Something struck me today as odd. Its just a fly thought. We often refer to God as awesome, good, faithful in relation to our own plans. This is what I mean. When things are rosy, we see God and praise him and acknowledge him as the God of all good things. But when things are bad, are we saying that we have left God and it is the devil that is now in charge of our lives? What God are we serving? The God of all good things or the God of ALL things? If we really read the scriptures, we will see Job, we will see Jesus and we will see Paul...men who suffered affliction for His sake. And it reminded me of an old friend whom I asked a rare question. "If things don't go according to plan, does it make God less faithful?" When you were making plans, did it include God? Or you just figured that that is what's best for you? And then you simply shove all your plans down God's throat to make it his own will as well? That's a laugh. Cos it never works that way....

How great you are.... Oh how great your love. Is this how you deal with a man you love? I am humbled by the things you do to shift our focus straight. Great and mighty things but terrible You break us because you only desire a humble spirit You prune us because you desire us to be much more fruitful. You take what we love the most Just to make you God over our lives. You scatter us that you may gather us as one. Lord, is this how you deal with man? That you will do all just to make him bow to you alone? How you flog and chastise us so that we may become that sweet smelling aroma that you so desire. Because you love us so. So we lift our hands and sing to you That our lives may ever please you. That you may ever humble our hearts and keep us in a state that will be your utmost pleasure. That we will be fully worked on And become the image of the son. Lord, we love you. And we acknowledge you for who you are in our lives. We acknowledge all that you have done for us...

You have given me all but the one thing I have always wanted of you ALL And you bend your back to make it happen too. And I'm grateful. But.... Perhaps, I always asked for the wrong thing Or maybe it coincidentally was the one thing you could not give to me Maybe its not just yours to give to me Or mine to receive from you. That resolved, There's no pain. No loss. Just resolution.... Then, forgiveness. Peace. Joy.

I thought  posted this a long time ago. just found it in my archive. Can one struggle against the waters and succeed? Can one swim against the tide without tiring out? My words fail me And the little things of joy I feel I lack the enthusiasm to share Some mechanism in me squashes it. I try to bring up my questions But they r absurd to the ears Tell me then, wouldn't it be wise to drown? Mistakes? Everyone has made them. But it is what we do with them that sets us apart Rahab till date is still to many, a prostitute And David, a murderer. No matter what I do right, I can't erase my mistakes. I can only make sure I don't repeat them. But some people's god given talent Is just to remind me of those things While the others are left to encourage. Right now, Like right now now, I wish I had the words to speak And the ears to hear me. I wish I could be so vulnerable and not have to be goddamn strong all the time. I wish everyone sees my foolish...

My heart burns for you But I can only say much so few My eyes overflow with the streams within... But all my lips can do is pray. That you leave the logics of this world And trust in Him to take you through the unknown... He alone knows the way through And all he requires is a spirit that is too broken Not to but follow. One aim. One reason. One desire. Just to please him. How? How can one ever please this God? He demands and demands and yet claims to be displeased! He demands sacrifices, and we bring to Him. The offerings we bring, carefully adhering to every rule. Yet, sacrifices and offerings you do not desire. You are just not a God of protocols and traditions. You desire so much more.... A broken spirit; A contrite heart. My hands ache to hold you close in embrace, And my feet long to walk with you But I submit all that I want I lift it up as an evening sacrifice to God An offering burnt whole. If peradventure, it passes through the fire and survives, ...

I wish you could hear the screams beneath my smile If only you see the leap in my heart when I see you. If only you knew how I long to just release the reins How I wish you would see that I don't always want to be strong If you only listen, you will hear the loudness of the unspoken words And see clearly the whirlwind beneath the calm polish. I say these words but I guard against you with my life. Why would I want you to see, only to be ridiculed? Or heard only to be left over exposed? Why would I want to show my weakness when you will not hold me up? If you listen long enough Or stick around with eyes focused, You will hear, you will see.

this is just one of those things that catch my attention. the basic questions........ “We look out on the world today, on what we call the Christian world, and we see its state, which is indeed very like that in the days of the Judges. We see divisions and failures in what is called ‘the Church,’ and the question arises: Is it possible to have a whole testimony, a full testimony? Is it possible to have a complete expression of the Lord’s mind? The answer that is so often returned may be stated thus: ‘Well, that is the ideal, but you are setting yourself an impossible task if you attempt it. You had better accept the situation, regard it as all in ruins, and make the best of it!’” “Are you content with that? I am not, and I have decided that even if I die in the attempt, I will give myself to the obtaining of a fuller expression of the Lord’s mind. In so far as my own life is concerned, it is going to be poured out to the last to get His people to the fullness of His will, and I am...

It has taken a new turn. A new life has to be borne out of decisions made. A new responsibility New rules and new everything else. just because, we are not of this world. When you are in Rome You do things like the Romans do them And where your heart is, there your treasure lies. Therefore, if you are in the earth But are a citizen of the above realms Naturally, we will expect to see you display attributes of the above realms, Your culture/lifestyle will reflect in all that you do. And it is not a show to give. It is in-borne. Not a struggle. It is a lifestyle. Here in this world, By natural inclination, Our decisions can neva take this shape. We make them based on what we see, On what impressions we have about the object, Or even about what someone else thinks about them... And that's it. We have no reason at all to consult the divine. We are gods in our own right. So anything placed in our hands Are only expected to be handled in the same way... So we...

Peace. My mouth says to my heart: "Be still. Do not fret. You have had enough time to think things thru. And you will be fine. Just shushhhhhhhhhh." I admit to myself about being attracted to the tree. Yes I am. All I want to do is reach and take a bite of its fruit. I have been here for a while, beating the temptation. and drawing strength from all around to seek instead for light that brings life. Over the years, the thirst for it has ebbed... Less intense Almost nonexistent. But I will not test me just yet. For a part of me still yearns for the forbidden fruit. I have dreamed and imagined how it would taste, Even prayed and cried for this fruit. Thus far, I have had to rely on the strength of others to pull through. Now, I face the tree...and I feel the yearnings in my throat My belly groans for it And my saliva gathers to receive it. The struggle..... Flesh vs. Spirit..... My mind searches to find all it has fed on I find that I am at a cross...

The Basic Questions: Marriage 101 Marriage.... I really am just pondering... I wonder... Some choices really have to be made when one is unsure of the route that everyone is taking. That choice is to pause, investigate and then push forward. I'm certain that sounds like something we would do ordinarily; but in truth, when it comes to the issue of marriage amongst other things, we never want to think. Rather, we would do as it is being done. But the question really is, how do we come about these things? Where did we find them? What exactly was the intent of the mind that came about these concepts? Is it the same thing that we see all around? What are the similarities and what are the questions? Marriage.  A mystery.  A word too lofty for even the greatest minds. A concept the wise have been made foolish over. And the learned have come to naught. The theologians of old couldn't understand it. and even those in search of truth only grazed its sur...

THE QUESTIONS of the BEGINNING I have always felt that I was special to God...I always was assured within me of his special interest and love towards me as an individual. And every single day, I wake up with something to look forward to...walking in the awesomeness of that presence...the confidence of just knowing that he is there with me. And everyday, all I wanted was to love him more and know him more....I wanted to see him face to face and embrace him. I wanted to move beyond the abstractness of the unseen to the 'physicality' of the seen. I wanted to bridge the gap between the him I knew personally and the abstract and almighty being that was taught in sunday school. And I went in search of him...and day by day, the more I knew, the more I needed to know....so much so that I had to get to redefine all that I knew. A redefinition of all that I thot I knew. I grew up learning first abt good and bad. What is good? If I know this, then I know what is bad. Right? Whe...

We dance around the tables, Laughing and having the time of our lives. Cruising around town just to have a feel of the day's breeze... Nothing and yet everything brings contentment. It just was. Simple. Satisfying. Scary. Then the rollercoaster came. And all that was became nought. All was tested and it failed. And all that remained were the lessons in the ruins. The blue, the grey and the black. Now, its a new day, time and season. All has become new. Redefinitions made, boundaries reset. I elevated you to friendship. But we settled for the 'wingman theory'. For peace, that was all you wanted, it was all I would give. And peace reigned. For years. Many years and more... And yet, Right beneath the surface was the unattended question; Unscratched but perfect. The starting point of 'everything new'. The how's, the why's and the what if's stay perpetually dead And in its stead, a new house is built. One that is deserving of that ...

How can I go to the altar to sacrifice knowing that my sister is angry with me? How do I apologise more than this? I was cold Yet u didn't cover me. I was sick And you paid me no face. Even if there be animosity, can you find it in you to forgive? My sister, my sister...I need you to cover me. Without blood, I know there is no remission of sin...so if I shed my blood, will it make the difference? All the sins I might have committed against you and all that you hold against me, If I give you my whole life, will you be happy? If I put my life in your hands, what will you do with it? My sister, my sister, will you be my sister still? What if Every one of the causes were eliminated? What if all the what if's were no more And you could look at me and see me as I am? What if you could look at me and see that I am the greatest fuckup there is and I need you to cover me? If you don't always expect me to fall, would you not take your time to ask me questions? S...

To you my friend, I raise my glass I celebrate all that you are to me And all that you are in yourself. You put a smile on my face just the same way you discipline; I am assured and secure in the truth of our friendship The depth I crave, I have found it therein. I hit what we have on every side and I find no hollow. Now, I see that possibility in all that we preach We have become these words We are the flesh these words have become. I thank God for u my brother, my friend. Come war, come celebration, I see you by my side. I know I can fight alongside you and you will cover me And I know that during celebration, we will feast and be merry together. In truth alone, we have stood. In truth and without self, we have helped the other grow. Over the years, it has become clearer. I appreciate you, L. And though you r not here in person, we thank God for technology...we connect yet I miss the little things still. To you my bro, I raise my glass. Cheers!

Mission accomplished? I applaud you. Because you really did get to me. There is that place where When someone does something to you You don't have to feign it. You just are simply indifferent; untouched. This is where I figured I was until you happened. There is this other place Where no matter how I feign indifference The hurts and emotions seep through It rises high, up my neck and up to my face But that's just because I care. I have realized how valuable you are to me. I have been to 'angry land' and I'm back But in all of that, I cannot but care.

That moment when all becomes awkward And all that darkness is supposed to cover Becomes infused with light. I'm sure you know what I am on about Because it has happened to you before or even to someone you know. Like the Yoruba adage says: "those things that we do not want the father to hear, will eventually be settled by him." meaning, those things that you think are secret, many people who know you would rather hush and look on in amusement at your folly and the eyes that see into the darkness laughs in wait... until that moment when you see that you do need help. that's what i am talking about; that moment when the hunter becomes the haunted. walking hand-in-hand  on the streets with unfamiliar eyes; locking lips where there are no tongues to wag; being crazy just because there is no one to be the alarm, going down the mountain when one should be ascending. our fears keep us locked up in things that would draw us perpetually down rather than lift...

These are the questions that plague my mind as i sit on my bed, facing the window. I look back at my friends, these ones that are closer to me than family; I realize that many of our decisions have been made out of reaction to something done to the self. an offense that has borne many fruits. pride...and then, we totally forget about order, even though we preach it and point to it. We have fought these wars for so long and have screamed these words so loud that we cannot deny that we never heard them. but why really do we fight? why have these fights gone on for so long? why do we have something to say about what you did, say or didn't do to 'me'? why should it not be done to u? if really i claim to understand that these are tests to mould me into maturity or else screen me out as a babe, then why the wars? who really are we fighting with? with whom do i contend? All we want and everything we have claimed to be our utmost desire is that this whole thing be pushed fur...

the silent war continues subtly eating away at the bonds we had built over the years we may stick it all inside that unimportant box but the truth is that it shapes our every decision. or not but it does have some impact on the mind. for the sake of peace, a tomorrow's peace, i will fight this war today. i will do all i can to gain you back and put you where exactly you should be. you may hate me for it but deja vu i see it like it happened all those years ago with my eyes open, i won't go through these motions all over again. it is over the war within has ended thanks to you and to the stunts that opened my eyes now, the fight is without. it must manifest from the inside out. it is time. knock, knock! tomorrow is almost here.

Day by day It seems more like all is well But the more i realize the great war in between. it gets clearer by the day that i can never trust that which my eyes see. Man, our hearts so desperately wicked And not only that but we all will do everything that will put us in the good books. The war between us rages The smiles and affections deepen, but the heart goes sour. and the spirit gets estranged the more. The reason behind our decisions may seem salient but it screams volumes In all that we breathe. here we are again the wickedness in our hearts acting out another drama a reminder of the past that stabbed all trust in its core. it is the same thing. nothing more, nothing less. and here i am i feel my heart closing in now, i am certain that there is no way there but the fogs will only get thicker still. i refuse to go there i refuse to relive my past in its foolishness. day by day, i must strive harder toward wisdom. nothing less does my he...

Angels walking, crawling and fying All shapes, sizes and forms Seen but undetected working for the unsuspecting people around Digging deep into the heart moulding the real being Bringing uplifting the person. An angel A guardian A friend seen and unseen But out to work on you and see you through the journey of your real mission on earth till you get there till you see as you should in the mirror till you become that which you ave seen you are not alone

day by day, i am being humbled by the realization that the most important thing is that thing that keyed me to the father at the very beginning and how it leads me to the fullness of that same thing. all the things that i have seen or that surfaced , all these things i call the in-betweeners or go-betweens are just there to spur me towards the finish line and i must be able to see that. i must not lose sight of that. the beginning, the drama, the finish line. that's how it is. i have gone through my share of drama because it has shaped my life and increased my capacity. someone taunts me all the time by saying stuff like 'shara, you and movies! you sha like drama sha'. but the truth is, i have gone through many experiences that he will never understand. and that is because rather than face the problem, he runs away from the drama altogether. i am sure there is a name for people like that and it starts with a 'c' and ends with a 'd'. LOL. i have the ...

At the very beginning, I remember the letter u sent to me. It was an indication that there was a lot of dross, a lot of filth that I as way buried beneath. Underneath all of the dirt, was where I was and I needed to be rid and well cleaned of all of that to find me. There is no way you can know yourself until you are cleansed from the dross. The unclean must eventually be clean. I had to agree first that I was covered in filth and I could see it; then I had to be ready to do whatever it took for me to be rid of it. The lord has his way of taking people through their different journeys. And this was another beginning for me. I cherished it more than the life that I was so ready to throw away. It was a blessing. Mercy on my soul. This story is not about me but about you. It is about love. It is about appreciation from me to you. I remembered all of that and more about the measures you took all so that I could become totally free from the dross. The trouble that one goes thr...

with the anxiety of moving forward, i lost many steps and stumbled many times. often times, i went my own way and my reasoning gets the better of me. i often forget that the ways of the Lord defy even the greatest minds. i fell into my mess and i so sat in it alone. and i wondered: 'if only i could backtrack and retrace my steps, if only i could find my way from the quicksand drawing me in as i struggle'. but i stop trying i sit in the dross i remember nothing but the problems in my face. my focus stayed on the things that seemed to matter at the  moment but truly has no input whatsoever in my tomorrow. when tomorrow comes, what will i have if i have not gathered? in sobriety of heart and the end of myself, i cry out to the one who formed me; to the one who called me and has brought me thus far... and i backtrack. i trace my steps back to the very beginning. what if i just found this thing? what if i am ju...

it is true that he has brought me to the fore of what he is doing in this present age. it is true that he has placed this work of truth n our hands it is true that he is building us up to become the intended picture it is true that we are set to do His will alone. i must be careful with these things he has placed in my hands we must be aware and wise in how we handle this word. it is wisdom to know it is wisdom not to take these things forgranted. it is wisdom to be one with these things in our hands. it is wisdom to become as He is. for there is nothing else that can be done for those that had once handled this word in their hands; who were once enlightened And have tasted the good word of God, and the powers of the world to come, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers of the Holy Ghost, If they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance; they have ingenuously become divine opponents. and dragged along the children in their loins ...

if the lord will not deal with me based on the right or the wrong that i do and i have seen that stance enough to accept his love then, i should do likewise. i cannot relate with someone on the basis of expressions; what you do or do not do should not be the basis of my interactions. i have learnt this well and i am still learning it. you can try all you can to be all that you never used to be you might have repented or truly even care about my welfare. i may enjoy the attention and it may seem like all you think i ever wanted but that's not relevant any more. i will enjoy it all like i would from everyone else around me. and i will still tread with caution and test every motive. still, all of that doesn't change my stance. it never has and it never will. i have received freely from my father. and this same mercy, i freely give to you. it doesn't matter if you think you deserve it or not; but do not mess it up. gifts are freely given because one has ...

royalty is in my blood just because the one before me is a king. i am the one called 'as christ' walking the same journey that he had walked, and continuing in the sufferings that he had to endure. i have seen the horizon... now, i know who i am. i am a king i hail from the order of priests yes, i am a priest, the legitimate son of my father; i am who i am and i know this because he is; and here i am on my way to my very beginning, my end. to the place where the seed and the tree are one where the scattering and the harvest all make sense. hahaahahha. now i understand. i can laugh now. i am who i am i am a priest i am a king i am on my way to fully claim what is duly mine. i am on my way to maturity, the perfection that he is. i am from the kingdom of kings and priests. that is just who we are... firstborns, all of us just as our brother is. as a part of the many colours of the house, we all will fit as one bright light just as he is light; as the ...

My fears ebb My tears pour My heart is glad For the joy of the morning ignites my heart The light of the beginning Makes me tingle; And my eyes are bright with enlightenment. I am glad that I belong to this family I am glad I belong to the Christ. I will die daily, throw myself into the deepest pits And surrender to all that this dealing will entail I will endure and Lord I do pray you help me. That my confidence does not dim and my heart not forget This truth you shared with me from the start Help me not to forget that first love. Help me not to want an inferior wine. I have tasted of this wine And my heart wants none other. I want you and all that is you. Help me. Help me get there.

The turnaround I will not for any reason lower the standard that the Lord has called me to and relate with the people he has called ‘my people’ as though they were just ordinary people. If I look keenly at it all, I will realize that I did not just meet them by chance and neither does anything that happens with them happen by chance. If I know this, then it will shape my thinking and I will not belittle it to ‘age’, ‘size’, class and the likes. All of that still shows that I do not see what is going on and there is no way I can appreciate all those that surround me if I do not see them a the resources I need for my own individual growth and development. If I backtrack just a little bit, my appreciation will know no bounds. If I can look and see the words he had spoken from the beginning to me as a person and then to us as a people, I will realize at some point in my journey, the point of intersection between the two. I will realize that there is a point where everythi...

Behind our every mask Lies the true man Waiting for expression We take pains to polish up  That those colors may be presentable and acceptable; we do well to hide the details we will rather have unseen.  Tall, you walk, Your skin, a polished chocolate; But underneath the smooth exterior Lies the rubble that you will rather present as a building Carefully packaged and adorned. I have become your mirror; The perfection you always want to see. So when you bend, you see me bend A mirror that hides well all your imperfections. How could anyone say that you lack the true capacity to love? But isn't what drives you the emotions you see in your reflection? You feed on it, drink it and dote on it until it becomes what you seem to believe. A prototype of the image you want to see.  Tall, dark and handsome, My polished prince, Who are you underneath the dross? Like an onion, layered in tears; Yet there's the unsettling need to win someone over Someone to ...

I have resolved in my heart  just because that's who I am  and that's what I profess.  I find in my heart no animosity  and no grudge against whatever I term as past.  Its all in the past.  there is nothing to be angry about.    There's nothing left but pity and peace.  I think I could have handled things a little differently  but in all, I am thankful.  Its not easy to give all of yourself  All of the time But try I would. All i feel is love. I love you like I always did- Maybe with a little twist, but I do. just like I loved those before you. what brought me here? I just figured that there's nothing Absolutely  nothing you have done  that supersedes where I'm coming from. and yet I did forgive. I did see where I went wrong. And I let go. This also I would do now I choose not to look at the person but to...

There's a song I really like by Beyonce that somewhat sums up how I've felt for years. I've been married for 7yrs now but I have no life of my own. Somewhere along the line, I guess I have lost myself.... recently, I've been doing some craft work that everyone seems to love and the turn-out has been pretty amazing. And I've had support here and there...I'm so happy. I just wish my husband could be a little supportive and appreciative of me... This is the song: Listen to the song here in my heart A melody I start but can't complete Listen to the sound from deep within It's only beginning to find release Oh, the time has come for my dreams to be heard They will not be pushed aside and turned Into your own all 'cause you won't Listen Listen, I am alone at a crossroads I'm not at home in my own home And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind You should have known Oh, now I'm done believing you You don't know what I'm ...

What other color do I wear? How do I uncover the facade of yesterday Beneath the mask of Friday? How does the color of my actions Not clash with my parade of expressions? I stutter within my streaming tears Where exactly do I begin this story? I sniffed back boggle Still you were blind and deaf  Beyond control, in rage; Even my flesh couldn't be spared from more More of the bruises you imprinted.  A demonstration of love, is it? And you ask me to stay. what for? To bear the pain? Why will I? When I have my place of solace. A light; the womb of many colors;  That place deep within, untouched and untouchable;  You profess love, but is it? Or a gradual process of death? A very very selfish and obsessive mind. That's not love.  Its just you wanting to take by all means And rape your way through, Just to boost your ego. But does it help? Without all the charade, what's left of you? Go look in the mirror.  U want to get high on me? I ...

GHOST In circles, life revolves Round and right back Bigger and more complicated. Invisible, I take notes. The observer, shrinking beneath my skin, Frozen under my smiling mask. A ghost, Sweeping in the wind. I glide. Moving across the room. Right here, again Blowing you kisses, Screaming to be heard, Hoping to be thawed, Yearning to be seen. Yet, I remain me. The secret by your side.

I've often wondered how I would feel if I just caught a glimpse of you. I always wondered how awkward it would be or if I will just be sad or moody. I was amazed how wrong I was. Fine, it was awkward at first. But I was happy. It was nice to see you. I even still had some flip-flops in my tummy for a few seconds or minutes... But it quieted down after a while. I thought I would be mad. Mad at you or mad at myself for whatever reason but I'm so relieved that there was absolutely none of that to deal with. All that remains is a peace from within, knowing that I did the right thing. Secretly, I admire your stance; and I'm impressed at the quietness of the storm within. Still, I hope I made it a lot easier for you to breathe. Irrespective of the way things are, my stand and me remain the same. Nothing's changed. Not even what I feel. It all remains untouched by the whole drama...I am surprised. There's a peace that surpasses all understanding. Now I have a glimpse...

You have no idea where I'm coming from Or how my journey has been. Hell, you damn well have no right to judge me Cos you do not know me. Feel free to blow your self righteous trumpet. But for some of us, there's absolutely nothing left Nothing to boast about but how broken it has left us. And how the brokenness has brought me here. I'm a testimony and I know it Without proof, there's much more.... A baggage of sorts yet to know about me. Still, the most important things, stay pending. Breaking rules just to make you see To understand the imperfection that lies beneath the skin. And the brave-front shield. A defence against the need to be covered. A smokescreen. Hiding the essentials way beneath the shroud. What do you see when you look at me? Brokenness or the beauty of it? Can you stomach seeing these processes? Or even allow it break your heart enough to love me? Will you take my hand and walk with me? Clearly not. So, if this is not des...

Living in reality Not having to contend with unnecessary warm pleasantries With being cordial or perfect, suffering while smiling... Just be u Not trying so hatd to impress Having noticeable flaws Having weaknesses Being imperfect yet striving to be Is the perfection that makes u human. Your flaws are there, tolerated or just ignored They could be irritating or simply interesting Either way, it doesn't really matter. Someone loves u just the way u are. U are all that really matters. Love thyself!

I once told u to wish me luck about going out with this friend that's been there for ages...but bores me stiff. Well, he kinda got side-tracked by some dude who apparently has been a friend since last year....we had a fight. I'm sure u remember him. My dear Akan. Well, he came back after quite a while and we made up... Well, Akan is a lot of things I always wanted. And when the issue of a relationship came up, maybe it just felt so natural to give it a try. And for some mad reason, I was so bent on making it work...and I was so excited that I told friends but I didn't want to be the secret lover, so he had to talk to some of my friends and in no time we were set to go. The only thing left was for us to see and for me to say the perfect word in agreement: 'yes!' In-between, we had a fight that I can't remember what it was about but Akan started acting up. He became somewhat distant. I wonder.....is he perhaps changing his mind so soon? Or is he just tired of...

I can't believe that some dude in this day and age could take back a marriage proposal just because I have a mind of my own and have things I could want outside of him. That's so f**king unbelievable! A friend that I have always held in high esteem because of his rare ideas and the way he sees things...that's who he is. My friend. Oh my lost friend. I weep for him.  There was a joke on ground for weeks on end while he was waiting for a definite answer to his proposal...he always told me that once I said 'yes', I will cease to exist as me and all my ideas and opinions will kinda just be automatically swallowed by his. Awesome! I guess the word that comes to mind is 'robot'. Well, I thought it was a joke until he said it like 4times after then. Hmmm...dude, question is, y don't u just get a robot? Or worse, get a picture and some recording so u won't be talked back at. Come on! We r friends here. I have a right to my own opinions and ideas. A...