Olúwafèyíṣarámi

I thought I would go bunkers Is this obsession or just plain insanity? I miss you immediately I leave you. I look forward to seeing or hearing from you. You fill my thoughts... And as though that wasn't enough, Jealousy joined the gang. And then paranoia. This my one heart  overwhelmed with these many strange emotions. Please where did I get them from? I could just rip out my heart and then be at peace. If I avoid you, would all this go away? But you wouldn't let me. If I close my eyes, will I wake up and be back to the very junction that brought us together? If I withdraw and protect myself, would the impact reduce or will I just be able to mask my feelings better? I feel like such a fool. I see what's going on here. It took a weekend to see straight. A new feather added to my cap. A new experience... This is not me. It is me having a taste of what you're being healed from. And understanding it... But how do I get out of all of this? Is this...

Again, I'm faced with the struggle of trust, of vulnerability and of love. I wail not because I cannot be bare But because I want to do it at my own time...just not now. I fight because I have had it all thought out as I think it should unfold. Altering that on the spot shifts my entire being and twists me from the inside out.... Sigh. So I let go. I let you. I let him. And now, when I thought I'd die from the burden. I'm free. I'm happy....peace all around. Even as I make my place right back into my cocoon, My joy stays intact. I leap and dance, placing my mask back in place. I leave tips and clues for the one who wants to find. If you really want it, you'll get it. Like they say, put your money where your mouth is, then I'll take another step with you. And then another....and another.... How far is in your hands...

On my own Smokescreen in place, My perfect mask My defense and my shield. Everything in me will naturally fight you And latch on to the only thing I know that's true Just because I need to protect myself From those who eat off you  For personal gain,  Alone, Never for the love of me. Though it is the same story, I dared to surrender To this aloneness, Even though you seem to be here Just like you, a part of me registers it as all others As a 'just for now' zeal. But I hope to be wrong. I wait.... Unmasked. Not for you, but me. With no boundaries. Like tazer to my heart To the door of my innermost chambers of insecurities And of a hidden fear. If you as much as knocked, I would have dared to open. But I will not give you that on a platter. It is earned. So I return to my cocoon And await the unlikely.

Sigh.... Siddon look.... Hand supporting chin.... Remote control in hand.... Siddon look. I wanted something I gave it my all to attain it. You have no idea. It all comes at a price.... ALL. Everything. Every damn thing. I didn't even have to bargain. I wanted it above all else. Now I have it. I am it. I can give it. You want it? Show me how much! And I will do my part. So, I sit here.... Waiting.... Hoping... Praying..

Why do I ever think that people of the same stock could be different? Why ever do I give chances to those who will always do the same? What makes me think you may be different? O God of many chances, why do you do this to me? I draw the map.... And again I see the one strand that ruins it all. If there's no difference, why waste your time? Why come to me? If I have nothing to offer, why do you stick around? I think it's high time these things are defined. Sigh....I really am tired. It seems Saul is still looking for his lost donkey Even after being anointed to be King. It seems our Saul has no value for this new thing. And falls back to status quo each time there's half a chance. How do you put searching for donkey and kingship in the same light? I am ready for Saul, the king.....not the former. Hopefully, what you want will not get in the way of what you seek. And the anointing will make a difference in overhauling the donkey-seeker mi...

I sit at my cubicle And go through old mails. A flashback right into my past. I remember you all over again. And you, and you and you. But most of all, You, Sweetie'm. That was our usual pet word for each other. And you were more than there for me even while I was in the gross dark. You were there and made me know the beauty of not being alone with my thoughts. I could easily talk to you about anything and you would hear me With concern in your eyes and encouragement on your lips. I learnt of you well. And then you were gone, like you never were here. But I am damn well sure that I didn't imagine all of those years. Alone with my thoughts, I just wondered how weary you could have been, How tiring and lonely being at the cutting edge of God's work could be. I wonder at myself. If you could get to that point and turn, how much more me? What assurance do I have that I wouldn't? What do I have that they didn't? I am afraid of what this walk can ...