EULOGY

I sit at my cubicle
And go through old mails.
A flashback right into my past.
I remember you all over again.
And you, and you and you.
But most of all, You, Sweetie'm.
That was our usual pet word for each other.
And you were more than there for me even while I was in the gross dark.
You were there and made me know the beauty of not being alone with my thoughts.
I could easily talk to you about anything and you would hear me
With concern in your eyes and encouragement on your lips.
I learnt of you well.
And then you were gone, like you never were here.
But I am damn well sure that I didn't imagine all of those years.


Alone with my thoughts,
I just wondered how weary you could have been,
How tiring and lonely being at the cutting edge of God's work could be.
I wonder at myself.
If you could get to that point and turn,
how much more me?
What assurance do I have that I wouldn't?
What do I have that they didn't?
I am afraid of what this walk can do to a man.
It can make or mar.
Lord, you know that I have tasted of different sources
And I know where that road leads.
I do not want to go back.
Please hold me in your warm embrace.
Never let me go.

I speak to no one in particular
Fist in the air in rage.
I scream without a sound.
Wishing I was loud enough to be heard...by someone, anyone.
I run to the bathroom as my tears flowed unstoppable.
Do I need a hug? Maybe. But I would rather not have it if it will not last forever.
Hold me, Lord.
I need you.....
I see how lonely this path could get.
I see how difficult it is to explain away who you are
Let alone, this sweet and complex relationship.
I look around and all that I have just seem to be nought.
I want more.
I am scared and my emotions raw.
But I trust that you've got me.
I fall.....holding nothing back;
I drown....trusting the waves to pick me up.