Olúwafèyíṣarámi

 She walks on... Trying not to push for the fear that she will distort your natural choices. She claims that there are a lot of things to adjust to. What's more? She smiles with joy and spring in her steps....she thinks to herself  "I'm proud of who you are becoming. If it means you taking me forgranted or even hating me, it's a small price to pay for the goal." So, she walks...briskly, face down....and mask in place...down the corridor of healing. Without much words, right or not...she had thought she'd been vulnerable enough that eveyone would see right through her, but everyone's got  their own struggle. She says, "I understand if you can't see my struggle. I understand that yours is bigger and obstructing your line of sight." So she walks.....not away... Just a little to the side until maybe, perhaps, hopefully things fall into place. 

I have been scared to write because of the jumble of feelings within I have been a mess for months Never daring to raise my head Or sing aloud. A lot of changes, a lot of struggle. Fights, rigorous training and bashing A realignment and a re-definition of relationships And then I found you. The ultimate test of my faith I died and somehow, Woke to the reality of the test. It was a test. And I passed! yay!! Now, you are so stuck with me. Even though we have to fight through the baggage of the past 10 years And beyond. Yet it feels good to know we can have this.... And have this now. And better, have it always.

I lift my eyes and my eyes meet yours Briefly..... very briefly But just enough to catch the wariness within Oh I know you. I know you well enough that you cannot hide. I know that you are not even aware of a lot of things Perhaps until you sit and reflect Still, I understand it is hard to take it all in And make so many changes in such a short time. I look at your smile When you sit alone, I see the contentment that comes from a new awareness The joy of a new beginning The quietness of an inner glow Having a leading, a direction, a light. Something nothing can shake away. For me, that is enough. Just enough for me, irrespective of how things play out. So I guess this is it. There is nothing more to be done. But just leave things to play out..... allow you re-write your story. Even as I watch you do that "i don't care" thing you so often do. But even that will soon grow old. I am just happy you got here and that should be enough. At the blink of...

The weirdest thing got me Just months ago, here I was reeling from all shades of me being revealed. This same me, I stand here Smirking at myself and the wonders around me. Truth be told, I am humbled. And afraid. And a tad ready for anything that comes with it. I look at the dearests to me and I am expecting a lot to change. To you, I have babied you all along and maybe done more than that. But recent events beyond us both forces a change You must grow up I must learn to accept the changes that come with that. And give you the space to morph or change. To me, A lot is on my plate that I never really planned for And I have a lot of catching up to do And a lot of backlogs to fill Before I can even be sure to go on this adventure. A lot of mountains to level as well. That I may emerge a butterfly at the completion of this cycle.

Hibernating for months Just praying and meditating Craving a wholeness that nothing around me can give I awake With sudden news A prickling of my ears And my heart thumps, not in fear or excitement But with the gravity of the words I am hearing. Too much, too soon. But so true. All at once, my life has changed Thrusting me into a new place.... a new phase. A new time.  A new humbling. And now here I am, struggling to embrace the gift of the new. My mind is still aware of the backlogs of the very recent past. My heart immediately steels itself for the journey ahead. The past encroaching into the present.... The fight for the ideal. and the list goes on.

Irrespective of my present pain or  joy, You are true. And although I acknowledge my wants, Although I am helpless to what I feel, I know that there is much more than this with you. If I can give this to you, all of it, I know in you alone is forever certain. I will not gamble today no matter my wins If it cannot translate into that forever.

One day at a time. Breathe, no matter how much it hurts. Be true inside out, no matter who is looking. One day at a time. One step at a time. Each step burns. But heals. Each burn intensifies my love. And gratitude. No words. Just me and all these. Sigh.

No words can convey. No words. No fear No noise. In the place of numbness, hope. In the place of guilt, I embrace brokenness. In the place of anger, I throw myself at you to do with me as you please. In the place of resentment is pure love and care. No words. I cherish and embrace it all....the story...the persons....the learnings. The entire journey is one of love. No words. Just gratitude.

Every one craves to be heard; Without words, telepathic responses To laugh  at my every silly joke To be given special preference over others To whisper exclusive "sweet nothings" Rosy, sweet and romantic fights... Joy and laughter overflows from the fountain within, A perfect understanding of one another Our body language made for the other The perfect fantasy. A relationship unrefined by fire. Untouched by the cross. Sweet nothings. What we seek depends on the world we belong to. What essence do we seek? Or who needs a 'nothing' cos it is sweet? We crave Essence! The ideal! The real! A relationship established on principles; And on co-building with the divine.

Phases. This is partly what I have been missing. IT IS ALL A PHASE. But my mind had wrapped itself around the drama and made it the norm. It has damaged my soul and made me weary. But it is a phase. A damn phase. So it must have an exit. This is not me. It is just a phase in my journey. Help me heal from all of the drama before. Help me learn of them well. You have broken me and are breaking me still. Give me the strength to go through these sufferings....because I don't want to come back here. Help me heal that I may be whole.

It was beautiful. A gift on both counts. You gave me 'the' priceless gift One I cherish and will never forget. I'm honored to be the one. For me, you were the exception. One I chose....for this... That was all me...all you. A very beautiful making....a gift. But more.... This is what we subscribed to. Much more than this. And we will find it. It's a lifetime subscription. As long as we are plugged to the same source. I won't be your idol. You won't be mine. I am what I am to you. Nothing changes. Nothing touches it. You will always hold that space. I am grateful for you. And will love you always.

In the midst of crisis Opportunities arise. In WRONG, there is GROWN. Perspective.....

Finally, I heal. Forgiven. Untouched. Free.

Today, I came into a new level of love, deeper than yesterday's. It is never enough to just know. Without love and wisdom, we are lost. And everything just stopped being an issue. In the light of this, I cannot afford to look at you the same way I did yesterday. He is looking at me differently and drawing me closer still in spite of me....all he needed was a possible, willing me. I am in love. I wish you could see.

I am tired. Good intentions are never enough. Love is never enough. I see that now. What people want is not love. It is their own different versions of what love is. I don't have that. I can't give that. And that is always an issue. Oh, if only I could share this love in me. If only you could bask in it with me (I have dreamed this so many times). I want to pour myself out and laugh with you as a child, without holding back....I want that with every iota of my being. It doesn't matter what I see is best or think is right. I BOW. It is first and ALL about you.

It's best to know when to give up and stop trying. I did a few weeks ago and you roused me up for another hearing. I obliged. I melted. And I moved to meet you halfway. Now I'm here, all I see is hate, or is it fear? Is it hurt or a resignation? And I wonder why you called me back. Is it not easier to have just let me stay dead? It feels like you want to twist the knife into my heart again. Is that your joy? I'm too tired for games. I'm too old in my heart to be tossed around. I AM TIRED. I RESIGN. I WILL DIE AGAIN. Please let me stay dead.

Who says I am not grateful? Who sees the depth of my heart? Through the bleeding and the crushing, I am grateful because this new me emerged. Can you see her? Or do you look through the old lenses? Am I there yet? Hell no. I am still healing but I see, Oh I see. I am free. I forgive. I see only possibilities, and deal in love....not just knowledge. I understand now how painful change is and the struggle of not doing things my way. Oh I see. I spent hours basking in your love and enjoying your company. Oh, I see it all now and I am grateful because all of these (including my supposed mistakes) was all a part of the plan. Thank you for your mercies and grace. Thank you for not counting iniquity and for teaching me the same. Thank you for wisdom. Or I would have lost it yesterday with Banni. He has no clue at all what he means to me....to us...to himself. But he can't see it. He is blinded by options and distractions and rage and confusion...but truth lurks just beneath all that rub...

Another lesson learned. I can stand and point fingers all I want...but you have shown me that we meet people so that something in us will be revealed. You show me things in others that I may see it magnified in mine. I cannot serve you my own way. I cannot walk with you without trusting 100%. I must trust that you knew me before I knew myself and know what's best for me. What I cannot see, you have seen and will guide me accordingly. I must be able to trust the one(s) you sent. Without the experience you took me through, the humiliation and all, I may never have seen this. I became you that I may see me.  That's my own part of the learning. You have yours. Hopefully, you see it too. Oh, I see it now.... I see the wisdom in how he deals. Is this his way with men? 

The day has begun. Taking one step at a time, one day at a time. Alone....and asking for help all the way. Yes I still feel Filthy which shows me I am still very much alive. #winks. But then, I understand that without a mess, we do not necessarily know the value of the message. Worse, I almost got hit by one keke yesterday. Oh boy, my entire life flashed before me. Suddenly things made sense. The most important things were the only things that came to mind. Suddenly, there was nothing to cry about....nothing to try to prove, nothing worth fighting for [not even love or affection]. All that was left was a huge silence....just me and my maker, and the hard thumping of my heart. Everything else can go to hell. I really stopped caring...About everything that doesn't give a shit about my tomorrow. I have finally moved on. I am finally free. If I had died, would life not move on? Why kill myself on something that doesn't matter or value me? I move onward. I smile. K...

The drama ends here. When the lord gets involved in the everyday normal things of life, it changes the context of that matter. This God ehn....He took my shame, fears, guilt from trying to preserve myself and broke it all in one event. What can I say?  My greatest fears have caught up with me. And there is nothing left but trust. The reality has begun... It is not that the word is scarce. It is our capacity to receive it that is limited. Without submission, there's no way you can receive. Humility makes you submit. Pride says you are full. Oh I made mistakes. I made my choices. But now, it's time to move, to purge and breathe. To re-prioritize. Finding wholeness. And nothing can dull my shine. It may take a while but the furnace is never fun. Oh it burns. It hurts as hell but refines. I go gladly through the crushing and pressing knowing that you are there with me. I bow in submission. Fine flour! New wine!! Total worship!!! 🙏🙏🙏

Nothing is ever as it seems You saw the problem...for whatever reason.. And you needed it dealt with. You would have given anything at the time. Anything. You gave up your 'norm' without questions. Deleted all just in obedience...again for this cause. Now we are set to move. What's next? The unveilings. Are you ready? While we wait... We unlock our minds and become aware. On my side, I became aware of my being an 'enabler'. Many thanks to you and I'm working on it. I see how I've done that even to you, just because I feel you relate more emotionally. But I was wrong. You deserve more. That was not how he showed me his love. He rather stayed true to who he wants me to be. Rather than lift you up, I take you back into my dirt. I'm doing the same damage the songs would have done to you. Even though you don't know it. Nothing is ever as it seems.... I know your struggle. I put you there. I know what I opened you to..... But there...

For the first time, I have the strength to be alone. Just me And my thoughts and tears....And God who has seen me in all shades and decided to still love me. About you, I still don't know what to make of it all. Why abi? It's simple. This is not on the surface regardless of how things came to be. But on my side I've tried to squash it, yet it has decided to go deep. You really are something. I just don't know what to do with you or if it's even possible. My fears? The me you got all high on will tire you out. I'm not in a hurry to settle (I'm such a nutcase) but I want so much more that I wont want wahala. Come with me only if you're ready... Now I'm going to cry. I've lost a lot. Almost everything if not all. And all for what? I've given up on everything just to find you and all that you have promised. Oh I believed. I still believe. But you don't think we can handle it and on your mercy, you withhold it all. Lord, it's all I a...

I thought I would go bunkers Is this obsession or just plain insanity? I miss you immediately I leave you. I look forward to seeing or hearing from you. You fill my thoughts... And as though that wasn't enough, Jealousy joined the gang. And then paranoia. This my one heart  overwhelmed with these many strange emotions. Please where did I get them from? I could just rip out my heart and then be at peace. If I avoid you, would all this go away? But you wouldn't let me. If I close my eyes, will I wake up and be back to the very junction that brought us together? If I withdraw and protect myself, would the impact reduce or will I just be able to mask my feelings better? I feel like such a fool. I see what's going on here. It took a weekend to see straight. A new feather added to my cap. A new experience... This is not me. It is me having a taste of what you're being healed from. And understanding it... But how do I get out of all of this? Is this...

Again, I'm faced with the struggle of trust, of vulnerability and of love. I wail not because I cannot be bare But because I want to do it at my own time...just not now. I fight because I have had it all thought out as I think it should unfold. Altering that on the spot shifts my entire being and twists me from the inside out.... Sigh. So I let go. I let you. I let him. And now, when I thought I'd die from the burden. I'm free. I'm happy....peace all around. Even as I make my place right back into my cocoon, My joy stays intact. I leap and dance, placing my mask back in place. I leave tips and clues for the one who wants to find. If you really want it, you'll get it. Like they say, put your money where your mouth is, then I'll take another step with you. And then another....and another.... How far is in your hands...

On my own Smokescreen in place, My perfect mask My defense and my shield. Everything in me will naturally fight you And latch on to the only thing I know that's true Just because I need to protect myself From those who eat off you  For personal gain,  Alone, Never for the love of me. Though it is the same story, I dared to surrender To this aloneness, Even though you seem to be here Just like you, a part of me registers it as all others As a 'just for now' zeal. But I hope to be wrong. I wait.... Unmasked. Not for you, but me. With no boundaries. Like tazer to my heart To the door of my innermost chambers of insecurities And of a hidden fear. If you as much as knocked, I would have dared to open. But I will not give you that on a platter. It is earned. So I return to my cocoon And await the unlikely.

Sigh.... Siddon look.... Hand supporting chin.... Remote control in hand.... Siddon look. I wanted something I gave it my all to attain it. You have no idea. It all comes at a price.... ALL. Everything. Every damn thing. I didn't even have to bargain. I wanted it above all else. Now I have it. I am it. I can give it. You want it? Show me how much! And I will do my part. So, I sit here.... Waiting.... Hoping... Praying..

Why do I ever think that people of the same stock could be different? Why ever do I give chances to those who will always do the same? What makes me think you may be different? O God of many chances, why do you do this to me? I draw the map.... And again I see the one strand that ruins it all. If there's no difference, why waste your time? Why come to me? If I have nothing to offer, why do you stick around? I think it's high time these things are defined. Sigh....I really am tired. It seems Saul is still looking for his lost donkey Even after being anointed to be King. It seems our Saul has no value for this new thing. And falls back to status quo each time there's half a chance. How do you put searching for donkey and kingship in the same light? I am ready for Saul, the king.....not the former. Hopefully, what you want will not get in the way of what you seek. And the anointing will make a difference in overhauling the donkey-seeker mi...

I sit at my cubicle And go through old mails. A flashback right into my past. I remember you all over again. And you, and you and you. But most of all, You, Sweetie'm. That was our usual pet word for each other. And you were more than there for me even while I was in the gross dark. You were there and made me know the beauty of not being alone with my thoughts. I could easily talk to you about anything and you would hear me With concern in your eyes and encouragement on your lips. I learnt of you well. And then you were gone, like you never were here. But I am damn well sure that I didn't imagine all of those years. Alone with my thoughts, I just wondered how weary you could have been, How tiring and lonely being at the cutting edge of God's work could be. I wonder at myself. If you could get to that point and turn, how much more me? What assurance do I have that I wouldn't? What do I have that they didn't? I am afraid of what this walk can ...

I cry for all those I've lost I weep for the more that was never birthed I shed hot tears for words unspoken For fights never fought And grounds never won. I cry for the me yet unexpressed. How I long to show you How I scream to be heard How I'm transparent that you see every possible green.... Yet we just never get there. It's aborted before inception. And I am heartbroken again.... All over heart broken.... Still.... I miss you. Still I weep for what we lost... Or what we could have Gained.... Or the pieces yet unpicked by another.... For parts of me yet unsearched.

‘I crawl through my blinding tears. As my heart wrenches with my sobs Confusion nags at me As I am just a platform In between two towers Of great significance in my existence. I feel like ‘that’ poison all over again That lures its victim unto death Only this time, I myself taste Of the killing-dying effect That poison leaves in its aftermath And I am shaken beyond understanding My tears rain down Yet, I know it’s not for me alone But for the towers as well as the platform For each position we occupy In this formation called purpose To stand together even in death; else fall.’   

We are coming into a place where the educational system along with many other systems will fail All as we know them right now will come to nought. There is a place we will get to where all the money in this world would not matter. the money spent on your children will cease to matter. What will matter and what will make the difference will be the word we had received over the lives of these kids and guided them to walk in; The quality that will divide will be in the prophetic openings over the lives of these kids. No school can impart that quality through education. But in setting their feet where they should be... strategically positioning them in God Separating them from all else that reeks of a "Mob Mentality" Making them grounded in the different way that provided the word In which the Fathers reckoned with in the scriptures had treaded. His way...

i am not in any way better than you, I only seem to be because I have gone this route before. Oh yes, I seem to know what you should do Only because I have gone through the same. In anger, frustration and pain. From the deep recesses of these, I made decisions to soothe my pain Vinegar to numb my soul It stopped being about the Lord All I gunned for was my own goal. Yet Mercy showed up Mercy found me. Opened me up to see the selfishness in me And showed me a new way.... Paved a path into being a new man.