backtrack

with the anxiety of moving forward,

i lost many steps

and stumbled many times.

often times, i went my own way and my reasoning gets the better of me.

i often forget that the ways of the Lord defy even the greatest minds.

i fell into my mess

and i so sat in it alone.

and i wondered:
'if only i could backtrack and retrace my steps,

if only i could find my way from the quicksand drawing me in as i struggle'.

but i stop trying

i sit in the dross

i remember nothing but the problems in my face.

my focus stayed on the things that seemed to matter at the  moment

but truly has no input whatsoever in my tomorrow.

when tomorrow comes,

what will i have if i have not gathered?

in sobriety of heart and the end of myself,

i cry out to the one who formed me;

to the one who called me and has brought me thus far...

and i backtrack.

i trace my steps back to the very beginning.

what if i just found this thing?

what if i am just hearing these things?

i backtrack.

at the very beginning, i  found all that  had forgotten that i had

i found there my bag of joy

my undying love for the one i love

the open heart of a child

the love for his people

the losing of myself

the desperacy and focus

the cling to only that which is true;

the relief of finding what i had sought for for so long.

the heart that doesn't take for-granted.

a heart not too familiar with the divine.

a heart broken to bits.

a sacrificial lamb.

i see it all now. 

i am here.

i see all that i could have become had i taken the time to look more closely at the burnng bush.

but i was more interested in other things;

those things that will never bring life.

i forgot wisdom and became deaf to her cries.

i just hope it is not too late...

i backtrack...starting afresh

going to the very start

and tracing my steps all over again

that somehow, i may find him.