Pangs of Loss
This season of sorts. Myriad thoughts race through my mind as I struggle for the right words to convey this feeling inside me. I feel like a mother who just lost a child. I carry the pain of the labour and the loss. The pain is sharp and deep, affecting every organ in my body and leaving me weak. My tears are dry but I moan in weakness and hurt. My child...... I ache from the loss of you. I may not have birthed you physically, but the labour of training, of debugging the system of old interpretations and updating it, is just as vigorous. It definitely took its toll on me.
Am I angry?
Oh yes. I am angry for not being able to scream at the top of my lungs and tell everyone who does not understand this loss, off. I am angry because of decisions I may have made differently. I am angry because I may have spoon-fed you rather than jump-started you.
Besides anger, is a numbness and disinterestedness that is enveloping me. To cook, eat, sleep and the works. The only things that seem constant with me are reading, writing and office routines. Nothing else seems to make any sense around me. Garri has become a go-to food when I start feeling pangs of hunger.
Finally, it is dawning on me what my father says all the time. it dawns on me the pains he had gone through from losing some of his children. I understand his understanding about how children are a privilege to have. I see now that I can only play my role, do my part to raise a child, but one day comes where the child has to make decisions on his own. A day comes when his decision will either make him my child or the child of another system entirely. Oh daughter, Oh son, if you decide to leave, this is how I feel. I will mourn your loss. I will cry and feel he pain. I will hold the scars but it will only make me stronger to train more children.
I mourn for you, dear child.
You are greatly missed.
Am I angry?
Oh yes. I am angry for not being able to scream at the top of my lungs and tell everyone who does not understand this loss, off. I am angry because of decisions I may have made differently. I am angry because I may have spoon-fed you rather than jump-started you.
Besides anger, is a numbness and disinterestedness that is enveloping me. To cook, eat, sleep and the works. The only things that seem constant with me are reading, writing and office routines. Nothing else seems to make any sense around me. Garri has become a go-to food when I start feeling pangs of hunger.
Finally, it is dawning on me what my father says all the time. it dawns on me the pains he had gone through from losing some of his children. I understand his understanding about how children are a privilege to have. I see now that I can only play my role, do my part to raise a child, but one day comes where the child has to make decisions on his own. A day comes when his decision will either make him my child or the child of another system entirely. Oh daughter, Oh son, if you decide to leave, this is how I feel. I will mourn your loss. I will cry and feel he pain. I will hold the scars but it will only make me stronger to train more children.
I mourn for you, dear child.
You are greatly missed.
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