I am back!

Here I go again, chasing after the wind. I seem to forget that some things matter and some others just don't. Trying to stay friends with an ex may seem like a very grown up thing to do but its not always like that. I stay up sometimes actuaLly expecting some miracle to happen. Some magic that will make us talk like humans and will make us laugh at our stupidity but all I we do is stay at logger heads. Many people said to give it time but its been almost 2yrs and it seems that what made up split has refused to move from the centre.... They say love does this and does that but truth is, its just what it is. It never puts food on the table nor makes a home. It is just what it is in this realm...a four letter word. A word. Today,a thought formed in my head. I wondered why it was so annoying to watch my ex walk down the road with some girl with starry eyes or laugh at the silly jokes someone makes when all we do is fight. It actually feels like a punch in my gut literally. Now I'm laughing so hard it hurts. I just miss having that with someone and it seems for some reason,I haven't had that in years even in the "relationship". I didn't even think about it for years. I was so focused on forgiveness. Then it occured to me. Maybe I am mÀd at him cos I actually give a damn aboÙt him. Could it be love? Or could it be mere concerns? Hmmm...I think I might have partly, secretly wondered if there was something yet unexplored with my ex...but ahannn! Nope! That thought was dashed over the past few months. I have not been able to write anything for a while now for fear of being rather hasty. Now, I'm decided. Anyways my hopes for a clean start was dashed by a series of events lately. I may be wrong but it has formed a map of random surveys that has linked inferences. What do u do when your ex hardly wants you to speak for fear of another quarrel or allows you speak but has no replies? What do u do without communication? What do u do when he walks up to you in front of friends to hug or make the most romantic gestures just to prove a point? Sometimes I feel he is just using me as a smokescreen to cover up for the attention he had stirred from his escapades with his lover. Will I ever get tired of loving him? Maybe not. And maybe not in the way you may think. I cannot stop loving him. Never. But its all linked to the past. It won't change the present. I have cried my bit. I have resolved in my heart...its a no go area. Just because I think its for the best. We will both be happier and sincere with ourselves with other people. And just when I thought it wasn't possible...I found an old friend...he had been there all along...right before the drama. he just doesn't have the balls I'm looking for. But oh well, wish me luck. I may be bored stiff with this guy, but maybe its a start. After years of dancing in the rain...it is time to move on... And I'm on my way!