I miss you

This world I come from makes things a lot difficult especially where love matters are concerned. I come from a community of people that one of our watchwords is order. We want to do things the way it really should be done; the way the father would have us do it- that it may yield the result he alone had promised. The last time I wrote in this journal, I said a lot about my fight. Yes. And the war has started. and going exactly as it should. Its just in the bid to get me back separated only unto my father. To have a distinct identity of my own and not attached to anyone. Well, this is the plan. This is how it should be. But my internal turmoil remains. Its not that there are no emotions involved. There is one I truly love but if only he could fight with me or for me. If only someone; just one person could see this and do that for me...and if only this person could be u. If only. So even though I pray and hope for a miracle to happen, I have to step off the scene, behind the whole drama and wait for the unfolding. Yes. Let me get off the parables and delve into the story. I was walking down the road the other day and all I could think about was the fact that I wished my friend was there with me. We used to do this up until my ex started acting like he wasn't an ex. I miss many things. Not that I don't do it with other people but you know that feeling you have when you are with someone that truly matters to you. I almost can ascribe strolling to just this person. Unfortunately, all I have left seems to be memories and hopes; wishes. If wishes were horses... I walked all the way down the road on my own and had time to reflect and even reminisce. And all I could feel within me was peace. The last conversation we both had-my friend and i- he said to me that something I knew how to do the most was stay solo. I am guessing that this point of view sprung from not knowing what to do with what we have...I'm too much trouble to win. And honestly, it is wisdom to just go with much less headache and certainty. Its just a pity that I will have to get over all of that on my own again. But I must and I will. I remember the talks, the unrestrained emotions (in my head), the laughs...and the list goes on. And now, it all seems like I dreamed it, kinda. I know I started it all. I just wanted to get myself out of all of the drama. I wanted the fight to be over and things to come clear for me to make a clean decision. Still, I wish he could understand and stay near...I know that's asking for too much. All of the good times.....It seems so far away. He is so locked up and so keeping me at a far distance that its almost like I'm talking to a wall. Its crazy but interesting. I wonder what new lesson I need to learn from all of this. And I know I will. For my own sake. But I just simply miss him.