It is easy to point fingers and rate success by what we see with our eyes. Still it doesn’t mean that is the entirety of what it entails.
let us take a look at the life of the children of Jacob. Joseph was the good child> he was the one who was sold; he didn’t sleep with his master's wife, he was good to the letter according to the record in the books. Although the blessing was given to joseph, Judah prevailed over his brothers. Judah got the inheritance.
"Winning is not for him who runs the race. It is for he who has the marking scheme (principle)"- feyi phillips
This brings me to my story.
For some time now I have had every reason to look into my life closely and the one constant thing is the fact that I have never had any reason to feel that I belonged anywhere. Not at home, not in school, not within cliques; something was always just amiss. And I was always at that point where I wondered at how strange I was right before the tide changes course. I wonder all the time about when I will become someone, when I will have that distinct identity within a body. That has been my greatest challenge- the constant nagging questions: who am i? of what use am I in this place, to this person or even to a group of people? Why am I here? How is it any different from where I have been or any other place I could be?
Over the years, I fought hard to be a part of my family. It got to a stage that all I did was find reasons why I never blend in with them and then I developed a way of acting the part. But then, we all know as I do that it is a heart thing. No matter what I did- house-keeping, cooking, extra care of my dad, being there for my brothers and the like- it wouldn’t force their hearts toward me. They had found reasons to bestow all the love they possess on one and no matter what he or she does, they will find excuses for that one sooner or later. The interesting thing is that there never was any such thing to accuse me of. I read my books, stayed in school( at least to the best of my parents' knowledge); they believed and still believe that I am the perfect girl child. The child that can survive under any circumstance, the child that needs nothing.
I have left home for a while now to stay with friends; and these people though I have known for 4yrs now, still seem so far away. I just do not belong. So now I wonder. Is it really about giving all of yourself to this body of friends or knowing how to steal their core. I surveyed and concluded that majority of those that find themselves in the inner caucus of the body are those who never try to be a part. They just are. And because of this, they seem allowed to behave as they please; yet it doesn’t make them less of family. That scared me. Who am i? and what the f*** am I doing here?
I want so much. So much more, I crave. Still, give me a reason; I need just one good reason; show me why I should feel like a stranger in my Father's house. I seek a way out on how to heal this sickness of mine.
let us take a look at the life of the children of Jacob. Joseph was the good child> he was the one who was sold; he didn’t sleep with his master's wife, he was good to the letter according to the record in the books. Although the blessing was given to joseph, Judah prevailed over his brothers. Judah got the inheritance.
"Winning is not for him who runs the race. It is for he who has the marking scheme (principle)"- feyi phillips
This brings me to my story.
For some time now I have had every reason to look into my life closely and the one constant thing is the fact that I have never had any reason to feel that I belonged anywhere. Not at home, not in school, not within cliques; something was always just amiss. And I was always at that point where I wondered at how strange I was right before the tide changes course. I wonder all the time about when I will become someone, when I will have that distinct identity within a body. That has been my greatest challenge- the constant nagging questions: who am i? of what use am I in this place, to this person or even to a group of people? Why am I here? How is it any different from where I have been or any other place I could be?
Over the years, I fought hard to be a part of my family. It got to a stage that all I did was find reasons why I never blend in with them and then I developed a way of acting the part. But then, we all know as I do that it is a heart thing. No matter what I did- house-keeping, cooking, extra care of my dad, being there for my brothers and the like- it wouldn’t force their hearts toward me. They had found reasons to bestow all the love they possess on one and no matter what he or she does, they will find excuses for that one sooner or later. The interesting thing is that there never was any such thing to accuse me of. I read my books, stayed in school( at least to the best of my parents' knowledge); they believed and still believe that I am the perfect girl child. The child that can survive under any circumstance, the child that needs nothing.
I have left home for a while now to stay with friends; and these people though I have known for 4yrs now, still seem so far away. I just do not belong. So now I wonder. Is it really about giving all of yourself to this body of friends or knowing how to steal their core. I surveyed and concluded that majority of those that find themselves in the inner caucus of the body are those who never try to be a part. They just are. And because of this, they seem allowed to behave as they please; yet it doesn’t make them less of family. That scared me. Who am i? and what the f*** am I doing here?
I want so much. So much more, I crave. Still, give me a reason; I need just one good reason; show me why I should feel like a stranger in my Father's house. I seek a way out on how to heal this sickness of mine.
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