THE VACUUM
I have long asked questions and wondered at the many things that I see on the earth.
Deep inside me, there is a longing for something much more;
far much more than what my parents ever had; far more...
Far much more than what I see all around…
But ask me what it was I was aiming for at the time and I had no words to explain…
I just knew there was something in me that needed to be satisfied…something in me yearned for something more...i just couldn’t be satisfied.
The hole was just too deep.
And no matter what I did or how I did it or how deep I went, it just was never enough.
I could get drunk, get high, I could have sex all day and all night and the void wouldn’t shift one bit.
I would change the persons and environment and come up with creative innovations and expend so much energy just to get some relief and fulfilment.
Yes the relief came…a temporary release…that returns almost immediately.
This was me.
But what was it I lacked? I asked. And I sobbed into my pillow all night when all the noise is gone. I stay awake feeling empty and useless by the time everyone disperses.
I look all around me and even feel lonely and lost in the midst of the crowd despite the fact that they all look to me to make their day.
I make noise, dance, gist, and everyone gathers….
and I do all that is expected of me and everyone goes home happy and better…yet I can’t wait to get the hell out of there and be on my own.
And in the dark, on my own, I look around at all that surround me and I still do not feel whole.
This was me.
And it took a very long time for it all to sink and form some meaning to me.
What was wrong with me?
There was something far deeper within me that was crying…
That thing...
Eternity in my heart, they call it,…some have it more than others…
Something in one responds in some more than others…that is the key that separates us as humans…our response to this thing in us that calls…
I have learnt that it is my lack of understanding of what is wrong that pursues me.
It is the same that makes me look for anything external that I can use to cover myself or drown my sorrows in…people, things, acts, actions …and the like.
The problem I see now….the problem was with me…I just was not whole.
My being had been so fragmented by all that I have seen and learnt such that I do not think any more like a child but I have grown wise in the ways according to the world…and far from the beginning.
I was more on the path of the knowledge of good and evil rather than on the path to life.
Something in creation, in me, perhaps in you also, yearns for relief and fulfilment.
We all seek for the same things…
But I realized that without a true picture of purpose, this entire search is in vanity.
The vacuum in me is too deep to be earthly or be filled by anything in this earth.
It is an eternal thirst…an eternal vacuum.
Gradually as I move towards that mark, it is getting clearer and I understand better.
I am not yet there…but I know I am on the path…the right path.
And though the thirst still remains, it is definable. I know what I search for.
I am attaining it bit by bit as I move into it.
I see me now…
not as you see me…
but as I really am…
as the lord intended me to be;
As he sees me.
Who I am is undefined and untouched by the circumstances of life…
because these same circumstances that should be my ruin are moulding me into who I should be…
into wholeness; only because I am on the path of life.
Oh joy is me.
And I am grateful for this understanding.
And I wish that all would see this…
if only they did, we would face our own lives and concentrate on getting whole rather than allow ourselves get sucked into the falseness of ‘quick fixes’ that never really work…
It only does well to take us further and further from the truth till we make this falsehood the norm…and are thus condemned.
Deep inside me, there is a longing for something much more;
far much more than what my parents ever had; far more...
Far much more than what I see all around…
But ask me what it was I was aiming for at the time and I had no words to explain…
I just knew there was something in me that needed to be satisfied…something in me yearned for something more...i just couldn’t be satisfied.
The hole was just too deep.
And no matter what I did or how I did it or how deep I went, it just was never enough.
I could get drunk, get high, I could have sex all day and all night and the void wouldn’t shift one bit.
I would change the persons and environment and come up with creative innovations and expend so much energy just to get some relief and fulfilment.
Yes the relief came…a temporary release…that returns almost immediately.
This was me.
But what was it I lacked? I asked. And I sobbed into my pillow all night when all the noise is gone. I stay awake feeling empty and useless by the time everyone disperses.
I look all around me and even feel lonely and lost in the midst of the crowd despite the fact that they all look to me to make their day.
I make noise, dance, gist, and everyone gathers….
and I do all that is expected of me and everyone goes home happy and better…yet I can’t wait to get the hell out of there and be on my own.
And in the dark, on my own, I look around at all that surround me and I still do not feel whole.
This was me.
And it took a very long time for it all to sink and form some meaning to me.
What was wrong with me?
There was something far deeper within me that was crying…
That thing...
Eternity in my heart, they call it,…some have it more than others…
Something in one responds in some more than others…that is the key that separates us as humans…our response to this thing in us that calls…
I have learnt that it is my lack of understanding of what is wrong that pursues me.
It is the same that makes me look for anything external that I can use to cover myself or drown my sorrows in…people, things, acts, actions …and the like.
The problem I see now….the problem was with me…I just was not whole.
My being had been so fragmented by all that I have seen and learnt such that I do not think any more like a child but I have grown wise in the ways according to the world…and far from the beginning.
I was more on the path of the knowledge of good and evil rather than on the path to life.
Something in creation, in me, perhaps in you also, yearns for relief and fulfilment.
We all seek for the same things…
But I realized that without a true picture of purpose, this entire search is in vanity.
The vacuum in me is too deep to be earthly or be filled by anything in this earth.
It is an eternal thirst…an eternal vacuum.
Gradually as I move towards that mark, it is getting clearer and I understand better.
I am not yet there…but I know I am on the path…the right path.
And though the thirst still remains, it is definable. I know what I search for.
I am attaining it bit by bit as I move into it.
I see me now…
not as you see me…
but as I really am…
as the lord intended me to be;
As he sees me.
Who I am is undefined and untouched by the circumstances of life…
because these same circumstances that should be my ruin are moulding me into who I should be…
into wholeness; only because I am on the path of life.
Oh joy is me.
And I am grateful for this understanding.
And I wish that all would see this…
if only they did, we would face our own lives and concentrate on getting whole rather than allow ourselves get sucked into the falseness of ‘quick fixes’ that never really work…
It only does well to take us further and further from the truth till we make this falsehood the norm…and are thus condemned.
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