Olúwafèyíṣarámi

Finally, I heal. Forgiven. Untouched. Free.

Today, I came into a new level of love, deeper than yesterday's. It is never enough to just know. Without love and wisdom, we are lost. And everything just stopped being an issue. In the light of this, I cannot afford to look at you the same way I did yesterday. He is looking at me differently and drawing me closer still in spite of me....all he needed was a possible, willing me. I am in love. I wish you could see.

I am tired. Good intentions are never enough. Love is never enough. I see that now. What people want is not love. It is their own different versions of what love is. I don't have that. I can't give that. And that is always an issue. Oh, if only I could share this love in me. If only you could bask in it with me (I have dreamed this so many times). I want to pour myself out and laugh with you as a child, without holding back....I want that with every iota of my being. It doesn't matter what I see is best or think is right. I BOW. It is first and ALL about you.

It's best to know when to give up and stop trying. I did a few weeks ago and you roused me up for another hearing. I obliged. I melted. And I moved to meet you halfway. Now I'm here, all I see is hate, or is it fear? Is it hurt or a resignation? And I wonder why you called me back. Is it not easier to have just let me stay dead? It feels like you want to twist the knife into my heart again. Is that your joy? I'm too tired for games. I'm too old in my heart to be tossed around. I AM TIRED. I RESIGN. I WILL DIE AGAIN. Please let me stay dead.

Who says I am not grateful? Who sees the depth of my heart? Through the bleeding and the crushing, I am grateful because this new me emerged. Can you see her? Or do you look through the old lenses? Am I there yet? Hell no. I am still healing but I see, Oh I see. I am free. I forgive. I see only possibilities, and deal in love....not just knowledge. I understand now how painful change is and the struggle of not doing things my way. Oh I see. I spent hours basking in your love and enjoying your company. Oh, I see it all now and I am grateful because all of these (including my supposed mistakes) was all a part of the plan. Thank you for your mercies and grace. Thank you for not counting iniquity and for teaching me the same. Thank you for wisdom. Or I would have lost it yesterday with Banni. He has no clue at all what he means to me....to us...to himself. But he can't see it. He is blinded by options and distractions and rage and confusion...but truth lurks just beneath all that rub...

Another lesson learned. I can stand and point fingers all I want...but you have shown me that we meet people so that something in us will be revealed. You show me things in others that I may see it magnified in mine. I cannot serve you my own way. I cannot walk with you without trusting 100%. I must trust that you knew me before I knew myself and know what's best for me. What I cannot see, you have seen and will guide me accordingly. I must be able to trust the one(s) you sent. Without the experience you took me through, the humiliation and all, I may never have seen this. I became you that I may see me.  That's my own part of the learning. You have yours. Hopefully, you see it too. Oh, I see it now.... I see the wisdom in how he deals. Is this his way with men? 

The day has begun. Taking one step at a time, one day at a time. Alone....and asking for help all the way. Yes I still feel Filthy which shows me I am still very much alive. #winks. But then, I understand that without a mess, we do not necessarily know the value of the message. Worse, I almost got hit by one keke yesterday. Oh boy, my entire life flashed before me. Suddenly things made sense. The most important things were the only things that came to mind. Suddenly, there was nothing to cry about....nothing to try to prove, nothing worth fighting for [not even love or affection]. All that was left was a huge silence....just me and my maker, and the hard thumping of my heart. Everything else can go to hell. I really stopped caring...About everything that doesn't give a shit about my tomorrow. I have finally moved on. I am finally free. If I had died, would life not move on? Why kill myself on something that doesn't matter or value me? I move onward. I smile. K...