Olúwafèyíṣarámi

It was beautiful. A gift on both counts. You gave me 'the' priceless gift One I cherish and will never forget. I'm honored to be the one. For me, you were the exception. One I chose....for this... That was all me...all you. A very beautiful making....a gift. But more.... This is what we subscribed to. Much more than this. And we will find it. It's a lifetime subscription. As long as we are plugged to the same source. I won't be your idol. You won't be mine. I am what I am to you. Nothing changes. Nothing touches it. You will always hold that space. I am grateful for you. And will love you always.

In the midst of crisis Opportunities arise. In WRONG, there is GROWN. Perspective.....

Finally, I heal. Forgiven. Untouched. Free.

Today, I came into a new level of love, deeper than yesterday's. It is never enough to just know. Without love and wisdom, we are lost. And everything just stopped being an issue. In the light of this, I cannot afford to look at you the same way I did yesterday. He is looking at me differently and drawing me closer still in spite of me....all he needed was a possible, willing me. I am in love. I wish you could see.

I am tired. Good intentions are never enough. Love is never enough. I see that now. What people want is not love. It is their own different versions of what love is. I don't have that. I can't give that. And that is always an issue. Oh, if only I could share this love in me. If only you could bask in it with me (I have dreamed this so many times). I want to pour myself out and laugh with you as a child, without holding back....I want that with every iota of my being. It doesn't matter what I see is best or think is right. I BOW. It is first and ALL about you.

It's best to know when to give up and stop trying. I did a few weeks ago and you roused me up for another hearing. I obliged. I melted. And I moved to meet you halfway. Now I'm here, all I see is hate, or is it fear? Is it hurt or a resignation? And I wonder why you called me back. Is it not easier to have just let me stay dead? It feels like you want to twist the knife into my heart again. Is that your joy? I'm too tired for games. I'm too old in my heart to be tossed around. I AM TIRED. I RESIGN. I WILL DIE AGAIN. Please let me stay dead.

Who says I am not grateful? Who sees the depth of my heart? Through the bleeding and the crushing, I am grateful because this new me emerged. Can you see her? Or do you look through the old lenses? Am I there yet? Hell no. I am still healing but I see, Oh I see. I am free. I forgive. I see only possibilities, and deal in love....not just knowledge. I understand now how painful change is and the struggle of not doing things my way. Oh I see. I spent hours basking in your love and enjoying your company. Oh, I see it all now and I am grateful because all of these (including my supposed mistakes) was all a part of the plan. Thank you for your mercies and grace. Thank you for not counting iniquity and for teaching me the same. Thank you for wisdom. Or I would have lost it yesterday with Banni. He has no clue at all what he means to me....to us...to himself. But he can't see it. He is blinded by options and distractions and rage and confusion...but truth lurks just beneath all that rub...