Olúwafèyíṣarámi

I wake up each day with an awareness of the drama around me. I am not blind to the emotions, neither am I without my own emotions and questions. Some things I know, other things, I am just learning. The things I know, I do because someone taught me. Who I have become, someone had to bear the shame for me; had to shed blood; had to carry a cross, to be misunderstood, hated, lied on and fought off....... just because He saw the One in me. I call him my mentor. But, oh, he is my father. For the One, he will do everything necessary....unless I stopped being a potential son. What is the point of making an exception when it will make no difference? What is the point of loving you, when all you see is pain? What is the sense in taking you by the arm even though you have legs, when all you will see is frustration that is being deliberately inflicted? What then is the point in it all? What is the point when all you see is me deliberately trying to throw you under the bus? How can we be anyth...

She's been asked a lot quite recently why she's gone quiet. Is it for lack of things to say? Or are words not doing justice to convey? Maybe. What are words when they fail to hit their mark? What are fights when iron refuses to sharpen iron? She's learning that nothing is personal. Everything is to make her stronger even in death. And to teach another even in her momentary shame. In time, everything will find it's place. 

This season of sorts. Myriad thoughts race through my mind as I struggle for the right words to convey this feeling inside me. I feel like a mother who just lost a child. I carry the pain of the labour and the loss. The pain is sharp and deep, affecting every organ in my body and leaving me weak. My tears are dry but I moan in weakness and hurt. My child...... I ache from the loss of you. I may not have birthed you physically, but the labour of training, of debugging the system of old interpretations and updating it, is just as vigorous. It definitely took its toll on me. Am I angry? Oh yes. I am angry for not being able to scream at the top of my lungs and tell everyone who does not understand this loss, off. I am angry because of decisions I may have made differently. I am angry because I may have spoon-fed you rather than jump-started you. Besides anger, is a numbness and disinterestedness that is enveloping me. To cook, eat, sleep and the works. The only things that seem cons...

Time.... These few weeks have opened my mind to new realities. Yes, it is easy to say certain things when it is not close to home. But when certain things happen to you, it hit you better. I know it hard to hear stuff like this, and even harder to embrace. How do you tell a mother that her child was never her child? Or that she was just a guardian for the little while he grows up to make his own decisions and step into the realization of what he should be. All she needs to do is birth him physically and guide him. How do you tell a Mary that Jesus was never hers, after carrying the baby in her womb for 9 whole months? How do you console her when the child is taken away when the time is due? Oh I still mourn him..... I still cry at the way things have turned....we all do. I still watched my mum shed tears today and I can't imagine how my uncle and Aunt would feel. But I hold on to one truth ..... I came to this earth to fulfill a purpose. That I am a wife, a mother, etc. is a...

Getting angry really isn't hard. You just look for reasons, reasonable or otherwise to just stay angry.  And the reason for the anger? You hold tight to your chest while your lips stay sealed. You have many things to say, many fingers to point, many judgements to make.....just to keep the doors shut on the most important thing you're guarding. This is a parable. Those who know, know. I speak to you as you've driven me way beyond my limit..... Beyond here, nothing more but death can prove. What we don't want to lose, eventually we will. Our deepest fears will befall us. With our hands we will cause the havoc we always feared just for not embracing truth. Truth will always prevail.

She looks at you with eyes, tired. Everything that once brightened up her eyes at the sight of you has dimmed. The few times she tried, she gave up mid sentence as you had other more important things to deal with. Looking up the list of priorities, she redraws her list. She thinks in her heart, " He knows what he wants and it is not what he himself wants to believe he wants. he wants what he wants, irrespective of  what I say".  So she starts packing up all her bags, from the littlest to the more conspicuous ones; Everything that fits into her bags of emotions, she packed. And with each item, she died inside in realization that this is the end. What is worse? It really does not change a thing, not until you are proven ready to receive. 

In one sentence, my world seemed shattered into pieces. My thoughts went through a lifetime in just a couple of seconds..... My  little cousin is gone....dead ... I was opened up to an entirely new world today. Opened up to different dimensions of pain and insensitivity. I will start with the pain. And I will not start with mine.  The pain of a mother. Ohhhh the pain. I felt it like a deep cut to her soul. Her spirit was shattered by the news of a lost son. Her vision blurred and oh the fire in her veins! A million thoughts per second running through her mind. The blame, the guilt,the what if's, the entire span of time nurturing the child, the silence, the loss, the pain. Who says she didn't run mad? Who said she hears you? Who said she needs to hear your thoughts? Why do you think you need to help her make sense of the situation? Why talk? Have you lost a son before? If not, why not be silent and hold her hand? Why not allow your presence and love do the...