Olúwafèyíṣarámi

THE QUESTIONS of the BEGINNING I have always felt that I was special to God...I always was assured within me of his special interest and love towards me as an individual. And every single day, I wake up with something to look forward to...walking in the awesomeness of that presence...the confidence of just knowing that he is there with me. And everyday, all I wanted was to love him more and know him more....I wanted to see him face to face and embrace him. I wanted to move beyond the abstractness of the unseen to the 'physicality' of the seen. I wanted to bridge the gap between the him I knew personally and the abstract and almighty being that was taught in sunday school. And I went in search of him...and day by day, the more I knew, the more I needed to know....so much so that I had to get to redefine all that I knew. A redefinition of all that I thot I knew. I grew up learning first abt good and bad. What is good? If I know this, then I know what is bad. Right? Whe...

We dance around the tables, Laughing and having the time of our lives. Cruising around town just to have a feel of the day's breeze... Nothing and yet everything brings contentment. It just was. Simple. Satisfying. Scary. Then the rollercoaster came. And all that was became nought. All was tested and it failed. And all that remained were the lessons in the ruins. The blue, the grey and the black. Now, its a new day, time and season. All has become new. Redefinitions made, boundaries reset. I elevated you to friendship. But we settled for the 'wingman theory'. For peace, that was all you wanted, it was all I would give. And peace reigned. For years. Many years and more... And yet, Right beneath the surface was the unattended question; Unscratched but perfect. The starting point of 'everything new'. The how's, the why's and the what if's stay perpetually dead And in its stead, a new house is built. One that is deserving of that ...

How can I go to the altar to sacrifice knowing that my sister is angry with me? How do I apologise more than this? I was cold Yet u didn't cover me. I was sick And you paid me no face. Even if there be animosity, can you find it in you to forgive? My sister, my sister...I need you to cover me. Without blood, I know there is no remission of sin...so if I shed my blood, will it make the difference? All the sins I might have committed against you and all that you hold against me, If I give you my whole life, will you be happy? If I put my life in your hands, what will you do with it? My sister, my sister, will you be my sister still? What if Every one of the causes were eliminated? What if all the what if's were no more And you could look at me and see me as I am? What if you could look at me and see that I am the greatest fuckup there is and I need you to cover me? If you don't always expect me to fall, would you not take your time to ask me questions? S...

To you my friend, I raise my glass I celebrate all that you are to me And all that you are in yourself. You put a smile on my face just the same way you discipline; I am assured and secure in the truth of our friendship The depth I crave, I have found it therein. I hit what we have on every side and I find no hollow. Now, I see that possibility in all that we preach We have become these words We are the flesh these words have become. I thank God for u my brother, my friend. Come war, come celebration, I see you by my side. I know I can fight alongside you and you will cover me And I know that during celebration, we will feast and be merry together. In truth alone, we have stood. In truth and without self, we have helped the other grow. Over the years, it has become clearer. I appreciate you, L. And though you r not here in person, we thank God for technology...we connect yet I miss the little things still. To you my bro, I raise my glass. Cheers!

Mission accomplished? I applaud you. Because you really did get to me. There is that place where When someone does something to you You don't have to feign it. You just are simply indifferent; untouched. This is where I figured I was until you happened. There is this other place Where no matter how I feign indifference The hurts and emotions seep through It rises high, up my neck and up to my face But that's just because I care. I have realized how valuable you are to me. I have been to 'angry land' and I'm back But in all of that, I cannot but care.

That moment when all becomes awkward And all that darkness is supposed to cover Becomes infused with light. I'm sure you know what I am on about Because it has happened to you before or even to someone you know. Like the Yoruba adage says: "those things that we do not want the father to hear, will eventually be settled by him." meaning, those things that you think are secret, many people who know you would rather hush and look on in amusement at your folly and the eyes that see into the darkness laughs in wait... until that moment when you see that you do need help. that's what i am talking about; that moment when the hunter becomes the haunted. walking hand-in-hand  on the streets with unfamiliar eyes; locking lips where there are no tongues to wag; being crazy just because there is no one to be the alarm, going down the mountain when one should be ascending. our fears keep us locked up in things that would draw us perpetually down rather than lift...

These are the questions that plague my mind as i sit on my bed, facing the window. I look back at my friends, these ones that are closer to me than family; I realize that many of our decisions have been made out of reaction to something done to the self. an offense that has borne many fruits. pride...and then, we totally forget about order, even though we preach it and point to it. We have fought these wars for so long and have screamed these words so loud that we cannot deny that we never heard them. but why really do we fight? why have these fights gone on for so long? why do we have something to say about what you did, say or didn't do to 'me'? why should it not be done to u? if really i claim to understand that these are tests to mould me into maturity or else screen me out as a babe, then why the wars? who really are we fighting with? with whom do i contend? All we want and everything we have claimed to be our utmost desire is that this whole thing be pushed fur...