Olúwafèyíṣarámi

Winter, my season of smiles Or is it Harmattan, the cold but dry weather. Either one, I love November/January season. It brings so much smiles to my heart. My lips may chap, my skin may scale but, It is a season when my page flips unto a new one. Resolution, they call it. I call it re-evaluation and reconciling the books. No other season slaps so much sense into me Like the freezing weather. Its so cold my cheeks tingle, nose run and eyes water. It is one where I don't care much for what I wear but I never get it wrong; It is one where I get to spread my clothes and I'm certain they will be crisp dry in a matter of minutes; It is a season when I have to wear my shoes all the time or high flip-flops just to prevent my feet from the dust It is so much entangled into one wonderful ball. I feel wonder, beauty, compassion, confidence, strength, romance, love, joy, hope; I feel adventurous, grounded, free, lightweight....a season when I dare to fly and then I soar....

I have heard many excuses Reasons why he hasn't come forward.... He is shy He is afraid He is burnt He is hurt He is ashamed.... Blablabla But he has had many chances And does what he usually does. Nothing has changed No matter how I want to believe different. The echoes of the past ring loud still. Loud enough to be a problem... Truth is that he won't. He can't. If he considered it, the signs will be there. He might never say it But I know He isn't that into you. If he wants something He does know how to get it If you are a part of his big plan, You will see yourself in it. Don't hope Just accept it. He is not that into you.

Everybody seems to be getting along fine Perhaps, its just the season Or maybe there's a common interest that I don't know about Like fish out of water, I just don't get how to breathe. What is wrong with me? No mata what I do, It never works Rather, the despise grows. I have heard many excuses and I've believed every one of them I have related with you based on this and yet I'm stung I'm confused. Really confused. Is it me? What is wrong with me? I call u brother. I call u friend. Yet is it too much to ask that you care for me? Is it too much that you act your words? I hear the words, I see no action. What do I believe when my expectations r continually dashed by you? Maybe its you. Perhaps you can't help it. Maybe its me continually putting myself in harm's way. But I'm tired of it all. And I'm calling it quits. To brotherhood. To friendship. Till you choose to resurrect. Adeiu.

We will all be what it is we want to be We will all work the path we want to tread We will do what it is we want to do Irrespective of how much we shout Or how much truth is laid before us... We will only see as much as the picture in our heads will allow. We are only limited by what we see.

I have been depressed I have been lonely Trying to reach out but quite not doing it right; Thrashing around and throwing tantrums At everything I could find. I have cried my eyes swollen And have walked aimlessly just finding some relief. I have tried to read. Just anything to channel my energy from this nagging feeling within. I have tried to find the answer in reading the scriptures That perhaps, I might find a word for me. And today, I wake up still lonely, And wondered who exactly I was blaming for this I questioned the direction of my anger And I wondered if I really could express what the problem is after all this time. I gathered up all my complaints in a bucket And examined them one at a time. I looked them up to join up all the dots And draw a line on the graph... And there it was...as clear as the dawn. This was the issue: there is something I want with all my heart and here I am reaching for it. I was reaching, straining and couldn't reach it. ...

I sit to brood This time, my focus shifts to attraction and its different elements. I wonder why no one volunteers to take a walk with me anymore I wonder why my words are now so easily ignored I wonder when I became invisible I wonder when I stopped getting all the attention. I wonder at so many things. I ask so many questions. I compare my before and my now in that respect. And my heart readily wishes for the time past. How I wish I was the apple of these eyes once again. How I wish I held much importance that I can’t but be looked for. And then, comes the voice. It speaks loud and clear And again, I laugh at my folly. Yes, I had this. I had all the attention and care and pampering. Oh yes I did. But what changed? Yes. I guess that’s the big question. Isn’t it? The only thing that changed in me is that I grew. Yes. I grew. As bees are naturally attracted to nectar And flies naturally are attracted to sores, So humans are to the new and the shiny. Take gold. ...

Something struck me today as odd. Its just a fly thought. We often refer to God as awesome, good, faithful in relation to our own plans. This is what I mean. When things are rosy, we see God and praise him and acknowledge him as the God of all good things. But when things are bad, are we saying that we have left God and it is the devil that is now in charge of our lives? What God are we serving? The God of all good things or the God of ALL things? If we really read the scriptures, we will see Job, we will see Jesus and we will see Paul...men who suffered affliction for His sake. And it reminded me of an old friend whom I asked a rare question. "If things don't go according to plan, does it make God less faithful?" When you were making plans, did it include God? Or you just figured that that is what's best for you? And then you simply shove all your plans down God's throat to make it his own will as well? That's a laugh. Cos it never works that way....