Olúwafèyíṣarámi

Another lesson learned. I can stand and point fingers all I want...but you have shown me that we meet people so that something in us will be revealed. You show me things in others that I may see it magnified in mine. I cannot serve you my own way. I cannot walk with you without trusting 100%. I must trust that you knew me before I knew myself and know what's best for me. What I cannot see, you have seen and will guide me accordingly. I must be able to trust the one(s) you sent. Without the experience you took me through, the humiliation and all, I may never have seen this. I became you that I may see me.  That's my own part of the learning. You have yours. Hopefully, you see it too. Oh, I see it now.... I see the wisdom in how he deals. Is this his way with men? 

The day has begun. Taking one step at a time, one day at a time. Alone....and asking for help all the way. Yes I still feel Filthy which shows me I am still very much alive. #winks. But then, I understand that without a mess, we do not necessarily know the value of the message. Worse, I almost got hit by one keke yesterday. Oh boy, my entire life flashed before me. Suddenly things made sense. The most important things were the only things that came to mind. Suddenly, there was nothing to cry about....nothing to try to prove, nothing worth fighting for [not even love or affection]. All that was left was a huge silence....just me and my maker, and the hard thumping of my heart. Everything else can go to hell. I really stopped caring...About everything that doesn't give a shit about my tomorrow. I have finally moved on. I am finally free. If I had died, would life not move on? Why kill myself on something that doesn't matter or value me? I move onward. I smile. K...

The drama ends here. When the lord gets involved in the everyday normal things of life, it changes the context of that matter. This God ehn....He took my shame, fears, guilt from trying to preserve myself and broke it all in one event. What can I say?  My greatest fears have caught up with me. And there is nothing left but trust. The reality has begun... It is not that the word is scarce. It is our capacity to receive it that is limited. Without submission, there's no way you can receive. Humility makes you submit. Pride says you are full. Oh I made mistakes. I made my choices. But now, it's time to move, to purge and breathe. To re-prioritize. Finding wholeness. And nothing can dull my shine. It may take a while but the furnace is never fun. Oh it burns. It hurts as hell but refines. I go gladly through the crushing and pressing knowing that you are there with me. I bow in submission. Fine flour! New wine!! Total worship!!! 🙏🙏🙏

Nothing is ever as it seems You saw the problem...for whatever reason.. And you needed it dealt with. You would have given anything at the time. Anything. You gave up your 'norm' without questions. Deleted all just in obedience...again for this cause. Now we are set to move. What's next? The unveilings. Are you ready? While we wait... We unlock our minds and become aware. On my side, I became aware of my being an 'enabler'. Many thanks to you and I'm working on it. I see how I've done that even to you, just because I feel you relate more emotionally. But I was wrong. You deserve more. That was not how he showed me his love. He rather stayed true to who he wants me to be. Rather than lift you up, I take you back into my dirt. I'm doing the same damage the songs would have done to you. Even though you don't know it. Nothing is ever as it seems.... I know your struggle. I put you there. I know what I opened you to..... But there...

For the first time, I have the strength to be alone. Just me And my thoughts and tears....And God who has seen me in all shades and decided to still love me. About you, I still don't know what to make of it all. Why abi? It's simple. This is not on the surface regardless of how things came to be. But on my side I've tried to squash it, yet it has decided to go deep. You really are something. I just don't know what to do with you or if it's even possible. My fears? The me you got all high on will tire you out. I'm not in a hurry to settle (I'm such a nutcase) but I want so much more that I wont want wahala. Come with me only if you're ready... Now I'm going to cry. I've lost a lot. Almost everything if not all. And all for what? I've given up on everything just to find you and all that you have promised. Oh I believed. I still believe. But you don't think we can handle it and on your mercy, you withhold it all. Lord, it's all I a...

I thought I would go bunkers Is this obsession or just plain insanity? I miss you immediately I leave you. I look forward to seeing or hearing from you. You fill my thoughts... And as though that wasn't enough, Jealousy joined the gang. And then paranoia. This my one heart  overwhelmed with these many strange emotions. Please where did I get them from? I could just rip out my heart and then be at peace. If I avoid you, would all this go away? But you wouldn't let me. If I close my eyes, will I wake up and be back to the very junction that brought us together? If I withdraw and protect myself, would the impact reduce or will I just be able to mask my feelings better? I feel like such a fool. I see what's going on here. It took a weekend to see straight. A new feather added to my cap. A new experience... This is not me. It is me having a taste of what you're being healed from. And understanding it... But how do I get out of all of this? Is this...

Again, I'm faced with the struggle of trust, of vulnerability and of love. I wail not because I cannot be bare But because I want to do it at my own time...just not now. I fight because I have had it all thought out as I think it should unfold. Altering that on the spot shifts my entire being and twists me from the inside out.... Sigh. So I let go. I let you. I let him. And now, when I thought I'd die from the burden. I'm free. I'm happy....peace all around. Even as I make my place right back into my cocoon, My joy stays intact. I leap and dance, placing my mask back in place. I leave tips and clues for the one who wants to find. If you really want it, you'll get it. Like they say, put your money where your mouth is, then I'll take another step with you. And then another....and another.... How far is in your hands...