Olúwafèyíṣarámi

I once told u to wish me luck about going out with this friend that's been there for ages...but bores me stiff. Well, he kinda got side-tracked by some dude who apparently has been a friend since last year....we had a fight. I'm sure u remember him. My dear Akan. Well, he came back after quite a while and we made up... Well, Akan is a lot of things I always wanted. And when the issue of a relationship came up, maybe it just felt so natural to give it a try. And for some mad reason, I was so bent on making it work...and I was so excited that I told friends but I didn't want to be the secret lover, so he had to talk to some of my friends and in no time we were set to go. The only thing left was for us to see and for me to say the perfect word in agreement: 'yes!' In-between, we had a fight that I can't remember what it was about but Akan started acting up. He became somewhat distant. I wonder.....is he perhaps changing his mind so soon? Or is he just tired of...

I can't believe that some dude in this day and age could take back a marriage proposal just because I have a mind of my own and have things I could want outside of him. That's so f**king unbelievable! A friend that I have always held in high esteem because of his rare ideas and the way he sees things...that's who he is. My friend. Oh my lost friend. I weep for him.  There was a joke on ground for weeks on end while he was waiting for a definite answer to his proposal...he always told me that once I said 'yes', I will cease to exist as me and all my ideas and opinions will kinda just be automatically swallowed by his. Awesome! I guess the word that comes to mind is 'robot'. Well, I thought it was a joke until he said it like 4times after then. Hmmm...dude, question is, y don't u just get a robot? Or worse, get a picture and some recording so u won't be talked back at. Come on! We r friends here. I have a right to my own opinions and ideas. A...

Months ago I took a stand to move on with my life. I found in u the basis of my loving in the first place. You r all that makes me glow. Your love o Lord keeps me alive...I just realize how I do not see it and often forget to take note. You r all that I need. You r enough for me. I always felt that my moving on would spur him on to do the same. But from his words, I see that he has to make up his own mind. I decided to remove the basis of our 'relationship'. If there is no question of relationship, would things not change? Why does something that seem so simple be so complicated? All we want to try to do is be cordial or at least be friends. For him, he needed to take a journey and I was glad he was going that route. Not for me. For him. For me, I just want to bask in this love divine. And I have been doing just that. The old has gone, the new is here yet grew wings and flew away, gutless. So now, I realize that the major thing is to understand the reasons behind meeti...

Feed on it and swallow hook, line and sinker That u do not miss me. Look around u and then try to lie to yourself Just lie some more. You have my name scribbled all over your walls, My scent, all over your nose, my laughter ringing in ur ears, My kiss, a memory u won't forget so soon... My cooking, my recipes; My sweetness, my uniqueness My taste, exquisite; My creative skills, one in a billion. Look around My darlin, And try lying some more.. U know deep down like I know you, Oh hell, u r going to miss me! I am too awesome to be discarded. You r just too proud to admit it And too damn big headed to bow. But then, maybe its a little more than that. It's a battle of wills.

This world I come from makes things a lot difficult especially where love matters are concerned. I come from a community of people that one of our watchwords is order. We want to do things the way it really should be done; the way the father would have us do it- that it may yield the result he alone had promised. The last time I wrote in this journal, I said a lot about my fight. Yes. And the war has started. and going exactly as it should. Its just in the bid to get me back separated only unto my father. To have a distinct identity of my own and not attached to anyone. Well, this is the plan. This is how it should be. But my internal turmoil remains. Its not that there are no emotions involved. There is one I truly love but if only he could fight with me or for me. If only someone; just one person could see this and do that for me...and if only this person could be u. If only. So even though I pray and hope for a miracle to happen, I have to step off the scene, behind the whole d...

Trying doesn't mean transformation. For the love of the good And the knowledge of the bad. Our minds struggle to be in good books. Weighing consistently that one outweighs the other. Beauty comes from the heart; So does defilement. If He doesn't change the heart, Our change is not whole And our wound unhealed. In time, We either see the pus of self Or the scars of grace.

This world I come from makes things a lot difficult especially where love matters are concerned. I come from a community of people that one of our watchwords is order. We want to do things the way it really should be done; the way the father would have us do it- that it may yield the result he alone had promised. The last time I wrote in this journal, I said a lot about my fight. Yes. And the war has started. and going exactly as it should. Its just in the bid to get me back separated only unto my father. To have a distinct identity of my own and not attached to anyone. Well, this is the plan. This is how it should be. But my internal turmoil remains. Its not that there are no emotions involved. There is one I truly love but if only he could fight with me or for me. If only someone; just one person could see this and do that for me...and if only this person could be u. If only. So even though I pray and hope for a miracle to happen, I have to step off the scene, behind the whole d...