Olúwafèyíṣarámi

I have been depressed I have been lonely Trying to reach out but quite not doing it right; Thrashing around and throwing tantrums At everything I could find. I have cried my eyes swollen And have walked aimlessly just finding some relief. I have tried to read. Just anything to channel my energy from this nagging feeling within. I have tried to find the answer in reading the scriptures That perhaps, I might find a word for me. And today, I wake up still lonely, And wondered who exactly I was blaming for this I questioned the direction of my anger And I wondered if I really could express what the problem is after all this time. I gathered up all my complaints in a bucket And examined them one at a time. I looked them up to join up all the dots And draw a line on the graph... And there it was...as clear as the dawn. This was the issue: there is something I want with all my heart and here I am reaching for it. I was reaching, straining and couldn't reach it. ...

I sit to brood This time, my focus shifts to attraction and its different elements. I wonder why no one volunteers to take a walk with me anymore I wonder why my words are now so easily ignored I wonder when I became invisible I wonder when I stopped getting all the attention. I wonder at so many things. I ask so many questions. I compare my before and my now in that respect. And my heart readily wishes for the time past. How I wish I was the apple of these eyes once again. How I wish I held much importance that I can’t but be looked for. And then, comes the voice. It speaks loud and clear And again, I laugh at my folly. Yes, I had this. I had all the attention and care and pampering. Oh yes I did. But what changed? Yes. I guess that’s the big question. Isn’t it? The only thing that changed in me is that I grew. Yes. I grew. As bees are naturally attracted to nectar And flies naturally are attracted to sores, So humans are to the new and the shiny. Take gold. ...

Something struck me today as odd. Its just a fly thought. We often refer to God as awesome, good, faithful in relation to our own plans. This is what I mean. When things are rosy, we see God and praise him and acknowledge him as the God of all good things. But when things are bad, are we saying that we have left God and it is the devil that is now in charge of our lives? What God are we serving? The God of all good things or the God of ALL things? If we really read the scriptures, we will see Job, we will see Jesus and we will see Paul...men who suffered affliction for His sake. And it reminded me of an old friend whom I asked a rare question. "If things don't go according to plan, does it make God less faithful?" When you were making plans, did it include God? Or you just figured that that is what's best for you? And then you simply shove all your plans down God's throat to make it his own will as well? That's a laugh. Cos it never works that way....

How great you are.... Oh how great your love. Is this how you deal with a man you love? I am humbled by the things you do to shift our focus straight. Great and mighty things but terrible You break us because you only desire a humble spirit You prune us because you desire us to be much more fruitful. You take what we love the most Just to make you God over our lives. You scatter us that you may gather us as one. Lord, is this how you deal with man? That you will do all just to make him bow to you alone? How you flog and chastise us so that we may become that sweet smelling aroma that you so desire. Because you love us so. So we lift our hands and sing to you That our lives may ever please you. That you may ever humble our hearts and keep us in a state that will be your utmost pleasure. That we will be fully worked on And become the image of the son. Lord, we love you. And we acknowledge you for who you are in our lives. We acknowledge all that you have done for us...

You have given me all but the one thing I have always wanted of you ALL And you bend your back to make it happen too. And I'm grateful. But.... Perhaps, I always asked for the wrong thing Or maybe it coincidentally was the one thing you could not give to me Maybe its not just yours to give to me Or mine to receive from you. That resolved, There's no pain. No loss. Just resolution.... Then, forgiveness. Peace. Joy.

I thought  posted this a long time ago. just found it in my archive. Can one struggle against the waters and succeed? Can one swim against the tide without tiring out? My words fail me And the little things of joy I feel I lack the enthusiasm to share Some mechanism in me squashes it. I try to bring up my questions But they r absurd to the ears Tell me then, wouldn't it be wise to drown? Mistakes? Everyone has made them. But it is what we do with them that sets us apart Rahab till date is still to many, a prostitute And David, a murderer. No matter what I do right, I can't erase my mistakes. I can only make sure I don't repeat them. But some people's god given talent Is just to remind me of those things While the others are left to encourage. Right now, Like right now now, I wish I had the words to speak And the ears to hear me. I wish I could be so vulnerable and not have to be goddamn strong all the time. I wish everyone sees my foolish...

My heart burns for you But I can only say much so few My eyes overflow with the streams within... But all my lips can do is pray. That you leave the logics of this world And trust in Him to take you through the unknown... He alone knows the way through And all he requires is a spirit that is too broken Not to but follow. One aim. One reason. One desire. Just to please him. How? How can one ever please this God? He demands and demands and yet claims to be displeased! He demands sacrifices, and we bring to Him. The offerings we bring, carefully adhering to every rule. Yet, sacrifices and offerings you do not desire. You are just not a God of protocols and traditions. You desire so much more.... A broken spirit; A contrite heart. My hands ache to hold you close in embrace, And my feet long to walk with you But I submit all that I want I lift it up as an evening sacrifice to God An offering burnt whole. If peradventure, it passes through the fire and survives, ...